12 weeks...

New blog!

2009-06-06T09:25:00.002-05:00

The bad thing about blogs with themes is that when the theme is sort of over in that blogger's life, the blog tends to not make much sense anymore.

Thus, I am stretching my legs over at Humzoo! My new blog is more general, but I've sort of begun talking about food a lot, which is ok, because I will always be eating.

Check me out!

Mud Season

2009-05-24T08:53:00.005-05:00

Skip, Story, and I just got back from an awesome family vacation to Breckenridge, Colorado. It was kind of surreal, seeing as how we've been planning this trip for over a year, and my mom said a year ago, "Story will be about 7 months by then, you'll need a vacation." And then that prediction came true! Story was 7 months and I did need a vacation!

So, of course CO was beautiful. I'd never been before, but an aunt and uncle of mine lived there for several years, and one of my best friends did too, so I'd heard it was incredible, but to actually experience it was a whole other kind of incredible. Skip and I got to hand Story off to all kinds of willing babysitters and sleep in and lounge around and take a long bike ride. Incredible.

Unfortunately, we were there during the in-between season called "Mud Season" where lots of places were only open on the weekends and we didn't realize it until the weekend was over. This caused us to miss out on some amazingly huge cookies and delicious wheat beer (that we were finally able to track down after a couple tries). Eating is important to us. Otherwise the trip was a huge success.

But now, I am experiencing my own Mud Season. I have the post-vacation blues really bad. Seriously. Taking care of Story is no problem, but having to make dinner? Going to work? Living in a house that isn't spotless because someone came in a cleaned it for me? Ugh. It's been almost a week, and I only just now feel like I'm finally snapping out of it.

I would much rather be here...

Mum's Day

2009-05-11T15:44:00.003-05:00

It was awesome. I have to say, the coolest part of Mother's Day weekend was going to Skip's mom's church and getting a corsage. All the moms there were allowed to take a corsage, just a simple carnation with baby's breath and a leaf, and my mother-in-law told me to pick one out and then pinned it on my shirt. It was pretty cool.

The emotions and memories that come from the different stages of becoming a mom and a parent for the first time are kind of overwhelming at times. While I kind of hated pregnancy, I do have to admit that it really was such a special time and I get kind of jealous of other women who are pregnant with their first. While I could have done without the unsolicited advice and the bags and bags of baby clothes people gave me to sort through, I love looking back at that time and I get kind of sentimental at the thought of never being able to go through it again.

Same thing with my first Mother's Day. It made me feel really great for people to wish me a happy day, and it was neat to finally understand and appreciate what telling someone "Happy Mother's Day!" can mean to them.

Fun.

2009-05-08T14:12:00.002-05:00

I am kind of anti-fun. Hear me out, because it's not entirely my fault. Mostly, I hate change. Hear me out. Generally, when something fun comes up, it means a change from my normal routine, and this stresses me out. I only partly blame my mom (kidding, Mom!). When we were kids, we were on a pretty regular routine. I understand this now, because even with one kid it helps to have a this-is-the-way-things-run-on-a-daily-basis thing going; it helps minimize the chaos. My mom had 3 kids and was a stay-at-homer until we were in junior high, so I totally respect her need for a schedule. Plus, you read everywhere that kids function better when they know what to expect, so fine. A schedule it is.

Mother's Day is this weekend, and I am super excited, but I've had to really amp myself up. My husband has a day planned for us on Saturday, and we will spend Sunday with The Moms. Usually, Saturday is my husband's day to sleep in while I take care of Story, and then on Sunday I get to sleep in while he takes her. I'm assuming that since Saturday is technically my Mother's Day, I will get to sleep in. Change number one. Number two, I won't get up and do laundry and try to get some degree of cleanliness in our house. Number three, I will kind of be the center of attention instead. I hate being the center of attention.

I guess I am not so much anti-fun as I am anti-change, which makes it hard for me to enjoy fun. I don't really like surprises, and I'm really bad at being any kind of focal point.

...Ok fine, I'm anti-fun. But I'm really trying!

My Life in a Suburb

2009-04-24T14:14:00.003-05:00

I wrote the following piece almost two years ago exactly as a guest blogger for my friend Josh. I came across it again and thought I would post it. I haven't updated it (save a few grammatical changes), deciding that I liked it as is. It gives a small glimpse into my life in the suburbs. Maybe I'll change the theme of this blog...

Ah, suburbia. Growing up, I never quite understood what all the fuss was about. Actually, I don’t even think I paid much attention to the term suburbia. I grew up in a town of roughly 24,000 in southern Illinois just outside of St. Louis. That there was a difference between the city and the suburbs never occurred to me. The city was 20 miles away; I could see the Arch from a couple streets over from my house.

Afterwards graduating from a small college town even further south in Illinois, I moved to Chicago. Now that is a city. I lived for six months, at one point, without a car. It was surprisingly easy. I took public transportation to work and everywhere else. As a temp I even worked on the 28th floor in one of those huge skyrises downtown on Michigan Avenue. I volunteered with inner city kids. I saw just as many white people as Asian or African American or Indian. I worked in two restaurants across from the Art Institute (and volunteered in the Art Institute) and saw every kind of tourist there could be.

Two years later, I moved back to the where town I grew up, and another two years later I’m still here. Now there is a difference. And not only is there a difference, but I damn well know it and can see it. It even bothers me a little bit.

I’m not quite sure if it’s because I am back to where I started, an observation I noted as I walked through the Wal-Mart (yes, Wal-Mart) where I bought my first training bra and my friend shoplifted and my mom bought the material for my First Communion dress. Or maybe it’s because everyone here is fat and white. The “city” of St. Louis is so quiet downtown that, after living and working in bustling downtown Chicago, I can barely bring myself to call it a city. Either way, it’s unsettling. Am I glad I live in suburbia?

In suburbia’s defense, I hated Chicago. Well, I was unhappy at least. I missed my family and I missed having grass around me. I felt trapped, knowing that if I wanted to drive out of the city I had about a five hour window where I could leave and not get caught in amazing traffic. If I wanted to go somewhere, I had to wait 20 minutes for a bus. The city was different, and I guess I didn’t totally like it.

But I do miss having different people around me. I remember once, at an outdoor festival here, I saw an Asian couple. I couldn’t stop looking at them and wondered at my fascination with them for a good 30 minutes before I realized, “Oh! They’re not white!” I miss having restaurants around me that aren’t chains. I miss being able to walk outside and be by myself but still be surrounded by people. The only time I get to listen to my iPod is when I run.

There are no sidewalks here, and small towns are very pedestrian unfriendly. People look at me like, “Do you need a ride? Why are you walking?” My best friend, who still lives in Chicago visited me recently and laughed at how close the grocery store is. We drove there.

I now live in a house. That I bought. With my husband. I have a commute in a car. I work in a cubicle. I’ve gained five pounds. I have a yard that needs to be mowed. I have walls that need to be painted. In about three years, the pressure to have kids will no doubt start knocking on my mind. But I have grass (that is too tall), and I have my family (that screams dysfunction), and I have my car (that I spend so much time in it feels like a second home). There are days when I am inside cleaning and doing laundry and my husband is working in the yard or on the house. We have two dogs.

So, who knows. This is suburbia. This is the Midwest. This is where I live now. This is the part of the country that has a close-minded, redneck, fat and white stereotype. Besides its pros and cons, I just have to admit to myself: I’m a country girl. I’d just rather live here. But despite my access to my own vehicle (one that is not a minivan, although I wonder if one day I’ll cave), suburbia has its own way of making me feel slightly trapped.

Author's note: I recently purchased a cross-over vehicle (read station wagon) with my husband. For our baby. Welcome to the rest of my life.

Let go.

2009-02-24T09:21:00.003-06:00

Most of you know my love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. One day I love it, the next day I hate it and I'm giving up. Starting back to work has been a hassle of pumping and trying to keep up.

Recently I let go and finally stopped trying to kill myself and gave my daughter a few bottles of formula while she is at her babysitters 3 times a week. If my husband and I go out for a date, I don't try to kill myself to make sure enough is pumped and I let her have another bottle of formula. The girl is still mostly breastfed, but the stress is gone now that I've allowed myself to give her some formula. A less stressed out mom is better for everyone. I also don't resent breastfeeding anymore.

Then I saw the video of Salma Hayek breastfeeding another woman's baby in Africa. The baby was hungry, and her mother wasn't lactating due to malnutrition. Salma was still nursing her daughter, so she agreed to feed this baby. The look of gratefulness and peace on that baby's face as Salma fed her broke my heart. And to think I hated doing it and I'm having such an easy time with it.

A co-worker told me, as I whined about having to go pump, "You can do it!" and she rubbed my shoulders Rocky-style. We talked for a while about breastfeeding (she nursed her son until he was 13 months old, which is what most doctor's recommend). She said her in-laws weren't the most supportive people about her nursing her son. I never understood that, how people could be UN-supportive about something that is the absolute best for your child. I mean, I've had my days of absolutely hating it, but I never denied that it was what was best for Story. Anyway, she told me how she would nurse anywhere, just pulled out her nursing cover and went for it. She did it at restaurants, her in-laws' house, anywhere. That kind of amazed me. I could never do that.

Finally, yet another co-worker, a woman about my mom's age, told me that it was because I was breastfeeding that Story was doing so well. She's big and healthy and happy and already teething at 4 months old. She told me she still has dreams about nursing her two girls. That really touched me.

So last night, instead of stressing out about Story being hungry in a restaurant, I asked my husband to get my nursing cover out, and I let go and fed Story right there at the table. It was weird, I'm not going to lie, and we totally freaked out our waitress, but it was ok. You can't see anything because the cover is so big, and it helped that the restaurant wasn't very busy and we were seated at a booth instead of a table in the middle of the place, but still, I was so proud of myself.

I am not anti-formula. It's every woman's decision how she wants to feed her baby. I will continue to give Story several bottles of formula a week to keep myself sane. But medical reasons aside, I hope everyone at least tries to nurse her baby. When I work from home and all weekend, I will nurse Story every time. Give it a couple weeks, read all about it before you give birth, and just try it. It's a pretty amazing thing. Its taken me 4 and a half months, but I finally appreciate how much it means to Story to do this for her. I've fought against it for so long, stressing out about where I would be if she needed to eat, not wanting her to fuss and disrupt others around us, but last night I finally just gave in a let go and did it. And in the end, my husband and I (and Story too) just enjoyed our meal out, without stressing or worrying or fussing, and I finally had one of those content evenings that I've been wanting for so long. I just had to let it happen.

Discontent.

2009-02-03T14:05:00.002-06:00

I feel blue. I mean, I'm not really upset, but just... blue.

After having Story, things just aren't the same. Obviously, they aren't. I don't mean it in an obvious way. I mean it in a way like... things just aren't the same.

I don't know how to juggle everything. I don't know how people work 5 days a week at jobs where they have actual work to do, unlike my job that consists of not a lot of work and a lot of Facebook checking. I don't know how people have organized houses. I don't know how people squeeze time in for hobbies. I was thinking about it the other day: I don't even know what my hobbies are. I don't know how people have time to do anything other than what is absolutely necessary for life: laundry, dishes, groceries, and trips to Target. I don't have time to clean my house. How do people do it? How do people spend quiet evenings at home together? How do people spend quiet evenings at home with their family? I can't figure it out, and therefore, I kind of feel like a big, fat failure. Why aren't I better at doing this?

How do people do it?

I miss lots of things too. I miss listening to music. I miss being any kind of "indie." I miss my Chuck Taylors.

I feel old. I feel old.

Over it.

2009-01-30T15:39:00.002-06:00

I am officially over my "back to work blues." I am entering Week 4 of back to work-ness and I have to say, I'm kind of loving it.

I am being wary, though. Several things could be contributing to my new outlook. For one, it's winter which means it's cold which means I am in the house a lot. When I am stuck inside, I am also stuck inside with a baby, that I love dearly, and a husband, who I also love dearly but, let's face it, people get sick of each other in tight quarters. When I'm at work I'm around other people and fresh faces. Also, going to work means I get to look presentable. At home, I wear jeans or sweats, and I may or may not wear makeup. At work I get to dress nice, wear shoes that are not slippers, and wear makeup.

How do I know I'm over the blues? After being snowed in for three days in a row I was about to lose my mind. My husband asked me if I was dreading going back to work this morning and I said, "Not at all. Get me out of this house!"

My attitude could change at any time. I could also be ready to go back to work because it means I won't have to breast feed anyone for a full 9 hours. So for now, work is A-OK with me.

A working mom.

2009-01-08T18:17:00.004-06:00

In the moments between Story waking up, and my husband coming home with my mother-in-law, I felt like finally blogging again.

I started back to work this week, both excited and reluctant. All the working moms I know said something along the lines of "I cried my eyes out the whole way to work after dropping my baby off for the first time at daycare." I was expecting this, so when I dropped Story off at a babysitters and not shedding a tear and feeling pretty good, I was pretty surprised. I was even more surprised when, picking her up that evening, I felt kind of sad. I had missed her whole day. And while her babysitter is amazing and I'm so glad Story is in such great hands, I didn't know what her day was like. I got an outline of when she slept and ate, but what was she like? Then, imagine my surprise when I worked from home the next day with Story by my side, I felt even worse. I couldn't get any work done, and now Story's schedule was all screwed up so she's fussing and I don't know why. Before if she was fussy all I had to do was look at the clock to figure out what must be causing the tears and then fix it, but now I had no idea and I felt as though I was back to square one. All that hard work down the drain. And to top it all off, I felt like a terrible mom for not knowing what was going on with my daughter.

I am no longer a new mom on maternity leave, I am a working mom who has to use her damn breastpump at work. That's a treat. Let me just say this: whoever said that breastfeeding is more convenient than formula is a damn liar. No it is not. Breast milk is better for the baby, that's where the convenience ends. So now I have to spend 60 minutes of my work day pumping. And also, by the way, not producing enough to feed her the next day. Having depleted my milk supply when Skip and I got sick, I am down to my last stock of breast milk and it's not enough for the day. She'll have to have some formula. Which isn't a big deal, but any mom can tell you the guilt some moms feel for giving their normally breastfed babies formula. I feel like shit.

Sorry to post such a bitch-fest of a blog, but this sucks. I just want to stay home and take care of my girl. It's the one job I'm actually good at.

The towel.

2008-12-29T08:15:00.004-06:00

I have had a lot of jobs in my life. A lot. Literally upwards of 20 jobs in my 27 years on the earth, starting from when I was 16. I remember after the first day of any new job, driving home and thinking, "That was so hard and stressful" and then realizing it wasn't over, I had to go back the next day and do it all over again. Something so hard had to be only a one time thing, the thought of going back always scared me.

Being a parent is a similar sensation. This past week has been the hardest thus far. Late last Sunday night I started to get sick. Really sick. From 2am until about 7am, I was puking every 45 minutes, topped off with some serious diarrhea. It was incredible. I haven't been that sick since I was a kid. I couldn't believe my luck that Story decided to sleep 8 hours straight that night, if I'd had to get up to feed her, I am sure I would have puked all over her.

My husband called off from work the next day and stayed home with me to take care of the girl. I spent the morning upstairs, seriously dehydrated and totally wiped out. About noon, he started to get sick too. My sister in law came over and took the girl for the day. Luckily I had a store of breast milk in the freezer that would last the day. We spent the day in bed, sleeping and moaning and feeling awful.

We slowly made it back to life. I felt good enough for Story to come home later that night and take care of her, although I was terrified because I was still exhausted. The thought of having to walk her around the house to calm her down made me want to lie down and sleep. She has also decided this is the week to be the fussiest she's ever been.

Then came Christmas. Having barely eaten anything more than toast and Sprite all week, my husband and I still felt yucky, him being worse off than me. Christmas Eve at my dad's house had Skip going home early after presents and me following shortly after. Story was still super fussy. The next day was the run around to the moms' houses, but by now we could at least eat a little bit. Story got a cold, thus the fussiness. By the time Sunday rolled around, I was ready to quit. Story had just spent most of Saturday night awake and crying, and I remember laying down on the couch just thinking, "I quit. I quit." I wanted to throw in the towel, roll over and go to sleep. How could I get up and do this all again the next day?

Sunday afternoon, we all went over to my mother-in-law's house and I let myself be a slug. She took care of Story, fed us brunch, and I proceeded to lie on the couch and cuddle up in a blanket for 2 hours while we watched a movie. I couldn't have done anything more if I wanted to. I couldn't move. I have never felt so exhausted and further from myself. I was drained.

Having a 2 month old and being so sick is scary. Will she get it? If she does, we have to take her to the hospital. Is it the flu? Is it food poisoning? I also had to worry about producing enough milk since I was so dehydrated and undernourished. Her nose is stuffed up, is that a cough or is she just clearing her throat? I still haven't bought the parents' Christmas gifts. We don't have food in the house. I'm too tired to get up and get dressed, let alone make sure the girl gets a bath. Skip missed 4 days of work, will we be ok financially?

All of this lasted one week, but it easily felt like two or three. Story cried all week. It was the holidays. We could hardly eat anything. We got no sleep.

That was so hard and stressful. It's indescribable.

Time?

2008-12-11T13:34:00.004-06:00

Over the past few weeks, I've had dozens of ideas about blogs that I want to write. But the moment I get a ...er, moment to write one, I forget what I want to write then I discover something else I'd rather do. Like clean up all the junk mail clutter that trails throughout our house.

This blog first started off with me tracking my weight loss accomplishments after the first year of marriage left me about 10 pounds heavier. It was great to see the results and also have a venue to vent.

It sort of ended with me getting pregnant and being too tired to do much of anything other than sleep and eat. I continued to work out for a while, although I had to skip my beloved half marathon, but I got discouraged at the thought that I couldn't really push myself anymore. When I work out, I like to sweat and I like to hurt a little bit and I like to be sore the next day. You can't really do that while pregnant, I was too tired anyway, so I gave up working out.

Thus, here I am. With a tiny, awesome little being on my hip and about 15 extra pounds everywhere else. I probably went a little too gung-ho on the whole "eating for two" thing, but hey, I've learned my lesson and I won't do it again. I was excited, when I was pregnant, to gain the weight because I was totally up for the challenge of losing it again. But then I had the baby, and now I have no time. For anything. Including blogging.

But here's the cool thing: you know how you hear new moms talk about the new respect they have for their body after they've had a baby? Yeah, that is totally true. I am a freaking champ right now. My body doesn't fit into the "fat jeans" I had before I got pregnant. I've had to go up two sizes from where I was earlier this year. My once flat stomach is kind of flappy, so are my arms, and I've inherited my dads thick legs which are, at the moment, without much tone.

And it's pretty okay with me. Don't get me wrong, I really want to start working out again. Badly. I want to start running. I want to lift weights and get sweaty and kick my own ass again. With the cold weather making going for walks impossible for an 8 week old, and her not ever wanting to be put down making it hard to for me to pick up my weights, I find myself just trying to watch what I eat and go with the flow. I'm trying not to freak out when I hear about celebrity "post baby-bodies" (Heidi Klum did the Victoria Secret fashion show two months after having her third child, how do you compete with that??), and I'm doing an okay job. I'll get back into the swing of things once it gets warmer outside and she starts sleeping for longer periods of time at night (I've been tired for almost a year now). I read somewhere once that a way to help your child feel a secure love is to make certain sacrifices, which can include sacrificing your once-svelte figure to spend time with your child.

So it's okay with me. For right now I'm going to enjoy the holidays, eat as healthy as I can (the great thing about maternity leave is having time, sort of, to make great dinners), and just enjoy this time because I won't ever get it back. One day she will be too big to be held and kissed and rocked and cuddled, and I know that I will miss these days. So I'll stick with my few extra pounds, thank you, if it means a few extra hours with my girl.

Sleep, damn you!

2008-11-07T09:19:00.004-06:00

I can't sleep. My whole life, it has been easy for me to wake up in the mornings and be productive almost immediately. In college I woke up 4 days a week extra early to go to the gym, including Saturdays. I rarely am able to take naps during the day, and I am horrible at staying up late. Granted, there have been a few exceptions, but mostly this is always true.

Toss a baby into that mix, and things get exhausting. "Sleep when the baby sleeps!" they all tell me. Um, I can't. I can count on one hand how many daytime naps I've taken in the three weeks since the girl got here. When nighttime rolls around, I am so tired I can hardly think straight. I go to sleep, wake up every two or three hours with her, sleep with her on the couch if I have to, and then when she wakes up in the morning to eat, whether it's 6am or 9am, I wake up too and then I'm up for the day.

I try to sleep. I make myself lay down and I turn the TV off, but usually all I can do is think about all the things that need to get done around the house and around my life. Sleep when she sleeps? Yeah right, life still goes on, and my to do list is only getting longer and longer. I need to cancel my membership at the gym. I need to vacuum my bedroom. I need to empty the dishwasher and color my hair and go grocery shopping and eat lunch (is it lunchtime already??) and call about car insurance and write in her baby book and spend time with my husband and check my email and feed her again and send in my timesheets for work.

Shit. I forgot to send in my timesheets for work.

What comforts me is that one day she will sleep through the night, and I will finally get some work done.

It needs to be said...

2008-11-02T12:48:00.002-06:00

Breastfeeding sucks. It sucks. It is hard and it is painful and I can say with confidence that is has been the hardest part of the whole giving birth/new mom package.

It hurts. I have never been so aware of my nipples in my lifetime. Granted, almost three weeks later, the pain is subsiding and things are getting easier. But for a good week or so there, every time the girl needed to eat I would have to grit my teeth and bare (bear?) down to get through the first few seconds.

It's hard. Being the sole source of my new daughter's nourishment is a huge responsibility, and thank goodness we've had an easy time of it. We haven't had problems with latching on or any of the common troubles that can occur with babies learning to nurse, but it is still hard. I'm the only one who can be there for her in the middle of the night. Skip can get up and change her diaper, but ultimately it's me who has the job to do. I can't hand her off to anyone else and say, "Here, you do it." And you can only sit down and lift up your shirt so many times before you feel like a cow. The on-demand-ness of it is what makes me the craziest.

I'm all for breastfeeding. To read the research and information on how awesome it is not only for her but for me, it's extremely clear not only that our bodies were built to do this, it's not just a coincidence that women can also nurse their babies, but it feels like I'd be cheating her out of the, literally, best food for her in the world. And she's only a baby! She doesn't deserve to be cheated out of anything.

But damn all those people who told me, "Your life is about to change forever!" or "Get your rest now!" Why the hell didn't anyone ever tell me, "Enjoy the last few weeks of your nipples feeling normal! Breastfeeding's a bitch!"

Well...

2008-10-26T15:07:00.003-05:00

...she's here! After I ended up kind of going into labor on my own, getting a sah-WEET epidural, and pushing for maybe about 15 minutes, the girl finally got here. Six pounds, 13 ounces, 20 inches long. She was born about 9am on October 15.

And man is she tricky. Babies are pretty hard to take care of, which is strange because they just eat, sleep, and poop. Literally, they aren't lying about that part. But what is also weird how there is no time for anything. Anything! It's really hard to take everyone's advice and lay down and rest when she does. It's hard to not do laundry, or clean the bathroom, or mop the floor, or put things away.

But she's completely worth it. It's surprising how, at 3am after being woken up for the fourth time that night, I don't resent her at all. If anything, I just look at her and love her as though I'd just gotten a great night's sleep, drank some Starbucks, and just had my hair done. It doesn't hurt matters that she is absolutely adorable.

I can't believe how much I love her. I just can't believe how much I freaking love her.

The last one.

2008-10-12T08:52:00.002-05:00

This is/was my last weekend as just me. However, it hasn't been too terribly outstanding because the last few weekends I have assumed were my last. I feel like I should do something really significant, but all I want to do is read my book, take my nap, and wait until early this week when I know she will get here, no questions asked. One way or another, next weekend will be my first as a mom.

I am due yesterday.

2008-10-09T15:48:00.003-05:00

Bleeeehhhhh. Welp, here I am. Still pregnant. Man, October 8th was supposed to be it! It's like someone told me I was going to get this awesome thing on October 8th and then when the day rolled around they were like, "Oh right, that. Well, eh, not today." I feel really screwed. And cheated! When asked how I am feeling, all I can do is drop my shoulders, throw my head back in defeat, and pout and whine. It's not so much I'm super excited to be a parent to a newborn that cries a lot, that I'm still terrified of, it's that I'm sick of barely being able to move! It's a pain to lay down, it's a pain to sit up, it's a pain getting up and down, it sucks going to the bathroom all the time, I want to paint my toenails, and I want to sit on the floor and pet Tucker without wondering how the heck I'm going to get back up.

Oh, and whoever said a person is pregnant for 9 months is a liar. A full-term pregnancy is 40 weeks. That's 10 months, people. Ten. Months. And here I am going on week 41 like a sucker.

Dilate already!!

2008-10-06T10:12:00.002-05:00

I'm still barely dilated. My baby is still growing. I am not. Big baby, little mommy. Thus, if this kid hasn't shown up by next week, we are going in after her.

I'm a scheduled person. I like a good schedule, and while I've heard that some women get disappointed when they have to be induced, I am pretty excited. One, it's a light at the end of the tunnel ...no pun intended. I finally have an idea of when this will all be over. And while I could still very easily and naturally go into labor on my own, I know that this won't go beyond early next week. But with that being said, two, I like the idea of being able to relax a little bit this week. Until now, every little pang or twinge, I would catch my breath and wonder if this was it. I don't know what contractions feel like (and I don't want to hear anyone tell me "Oh you'll know it when you feel it!"), so any little cramp and I am freaking out.

I also don't like surprises. I almost hope I have to wait until they induce me. I like organization. I like schedules. I like punctuality. Basically, inducing makes me happy, even though now I definitely have to do laundry because I'm running out of clothes that fit and I for sure won't make it until next week in these sweatpants.

Week one.

2008-10-02T20:29:00.003-05:00

I am officially on maternity leave. Being that the hospital is about 10 minutes from my house but 45 minutes away from my work, along with the utter lack of anything productive to do at work, I decided to stop working a week before my due date to rest and, well, rest.

So far, staying at home is ok, but daunting. I know that soon I will hopefully be much lighter and less cumbersome, but for right now I feel very handicapped and restricted. I tripped letting my dog out this afternoon and was stunned to find myself very rapidly going down with quite some force. Thankfully, I was able to catch myself on the handrails outside. Needless to say, I just can't get around like I used to. So I try to content myself with a couple of lame "girl" books that don't require a lot of thought (I can't concentrate on anything) and I try my best to not let myself feel guilty for watching episode after episode of "Friends" while intermittently taking 20 minute naps. It's the last time for a long time I'll get the opportunity to rest like this, I tell myself, and everyone is telling me to enjoy it anyway... so here I go. Being a lazy bum and pulling the pregnancy card once again.

It's slightly daunting because I am kind of feeling like this is it. This is it. Sitting around waiting for my husband to get home. I mean, I know that pretty soon things are going to get hard, but... it's just a very scary feeling of "What next?" and having no idea what that answer looks like.

I have to say...

2008-09-27T11:23:00.003-05:00

Something is different today. I don't exactly know what it is. Maybe because I have this burst of energy and I'm getting stuff done. Maybe it's just because it's such a nice day outside. Maybe it's because I have two days of work left. Maybe because I got to see Story this past week in an ultrasound. Maybe because I know I get to meet her for real very soon.

Either way, I'm enjoying today. It's the first time in a while I haven't felt like a cranky jerk, and that is always nice. I've been really cranky lately, and not helping matters is the fact that I can barely move around, and I feel like I've been pregnant for freaking ever. I've been preparing for a baby for so long that I just want to meet her already and take care of her and hang out with her. I want to see Skip hold her. I want people to stop talking about her and get to meet her. She already has a huge fan club, and I want her to be able to enjoy that.

I want to get my life back in order. So many things are being put on hold until after the baby gets here. There are so many things I want to do again, like work out or drink a beer or lie on my back or not get up a million times to pee. I'm just ready to have this baby and get on with life. Will I miss being pregnant? I really don't know. I definitely am not one of those ladies who says how much she loves and enjoys being pregnant, but I do kind of like just having Story with me all the time, and feeling her move, although nowadays she's so big that's it's more often than not pretty uncomfortable when she decides to stretch out.

Anyway, today is just a good day.

Almost.

2008-09-26T13:24:00.002-05:00

I had an ultrasound the other day to check on the girl's size. She is, in my opinion, huge. The ultrasound estimates somewhere around 7 lbs 14 oz. With still 2 weeks to go! But I also got to see her sucking her thumb and resting her other little fist on the edge of her nose. What's weird though is that I still don't know what she looks like. I feel like I should know what she looks like.

I've never seen one that big.

2008-09-18T10:37:00.002-05:00

I'm in the home stretch, and I have to say, I'm feeling a bit like a circus freak. People are definitely looking at me. I just left Bread Co. (Panera for all you out of towners), and I feel like the stares or glances are less "Aw, cute pregnant lady!" and more "Whoa, she might have the baby here." I had to give a presentation for work to a small group of people at the local Health Department, and one guy told me pregnant woman make him nervous. He was being cute and concerned, because it was hot out and I was fanning myself, but I was still shocked to realize that I am, officially, huge and pregnant. And very much could blow at any point. And people are noticing.

And while friends tell me it's all baby, my ass, thighs and arms tell a different story.

Meanwhile, I'm waiting out my last few days here at work, trying to be patient and praying that my girl's foot doesn't stab through my skin. She's kicking the crap out of me. Whoever said they don't move as much at this stage because they've got such little room is a damn liar.

Scared.

2008-09-10T14:15:00.003-05:00

Since I've been pregnant, the thing that has scared me most is autism. I have no idea why. I don't really know anyone who is autistic. I'm not scared of Down's syndrome, deformities, abnormalities, cleft palate, anything like that. I'm scared of autism, and I just do not know why. I've been seeing a lot of Jenny McCarthy on TV and her stance, not against vaccinations, but the materials found in them, like high levels of mercury and aluminum. I've been reading up, and a lot of what I'm reading is scaring the crap out of me. For example, in 1983, kids got 10 vaccines in their first year. Today, kids get 36. I read yesterday that giving 7 shots to a 13 pound baby (roughly two months old) is like giving 70 doses to a 130 pound adult. Yikes.

And just as there's plenty of information out there about why not to vaccinate, or to at least spread the vaccines out over a longer period of time and starting them at two years of age instead of day one, there's just as much information about how healthy vaccines are, and how they are not related to autism in the slightest. But why are there so many more kids these days being diagnosed with the disorder?

I'm sick of wondering and worrying. I just want my girl to be safe and healthy. I don't want her to get a shot and then be sick or have something go wrong. Why do we have so many vaccines? I mean, was chicken pox really that bad? Is it totally necessary to vaccinate against? I just can't imagine all of that medicine being good. I'm really not trying to be controversial, I'm saying this with a weary and scared mind-frame. I don't know what to do.

Baby talk.

2008-09-05T13:48:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, I snapped. It wasn't the first day I felt irritated (see pretty much any previous post), but it was definitely the first day I let people know I was irritated. I have a co-worker who always wants to touch my belly and talk to the baby, and I usually let her because... I don't know why, because I kind of hate it. Yesterday she took one look at me and knew not to mess with me. Another guy was gently teasing me about having twins, I let him know it wasn't funny and I'm quite sure the look on my face let him know I would gladly rip his testicles off.

And if one more person asks me when my due date is, I will scream. It's one thing if it's someone at a store, a cashier for example, making small talk, but it's another thing when a secretary at work who I see every three days asks me every time I see her when my due date is. Lady, if you're not going to even try to remember, just shut up, tell me I look great, and move on. Geez.

What makes things even worse is that pretty much the only small talk conversation at work, polite work chit-chat if you will, revolves around my pregnancy. Here is the list of questions/comments, in order, of a typical conversation had about 4-5 times a day:

1) Wow you're really coming along! / Not too much longer now! / Aw look at you!
2) How much longer do you have?
(I tell them, they try doing the math)
3) So that would be... October?
(Yep, I tell them my due date. Again.)
4) Oh! So and so has a birthday October--.
(If I had kept track, I would probably have a list 100 names long of other people who have birthdays in October. People I don't even know, mind you.)
5) Do you know if you're having a boy or girl?
(I tell them. Again.)
6) Do you have names picked out?

God willing, I can be a stay at home mom for my kids. This will be great since I won't have to worry about child care and will get to raise my kids. This will be even better because the next time I get pregnant, I can stay in hiding.

head down? ...bottoms up!

2008-08-28T12:33:00.002-05:00

I went to the doctor on Monday and he confirmed what all the baby books and information sites have been saying: she's head down now and will (should) remain that way until delivery.

Ouch. Six more weeks of being upside down? No wonder they're so freaking cranky when they first come out. Just thinking about being upside down and moving around and tossed from side to side is enough to make me want to throw up.

Zuma?

2008-08-22T09:41:00.003-05:00

Gwen Stefani had her baby! It was a boy, and she named him Zuma Nesta Rock... and I get a lot of flack for naming my baby Story. Sheesh. Actually, I think the name they picked out is pretty cool, but maaaybe slightly pretentious? I mean, we're talking about a lady who wears her name on her belt buckle. (It's true, I've seen it.) **Update from People.com: "Zuma's second middle name, Rock, might be a nod to Rock Steady, the third studio album from Stefani's band No Doubt. Rock Steady was primarily recorded in Jamaica and featured a reggae-heavy sound, rounding out the Bob Marley love for the musical clan." She named her son after one of her albums. Jeebus...

Not that I think celebrity "news" needs anymore attention or is necessarily blog-worthy, but it is really interesting, since I've been pregnant and especially during the first few months, how annoyed I get when another celebrity releases the "news" that they are pregnant. I get jealous! I'm like, "Ah, yah, I'm pregnant too. I was pregnant first! Look at me, not Ashlee Simpson!" It feels like they are stealing my thunder. Minnie Driver said that she was pregnant days after me and I literally read the article thinking. "Join the club, like it's even big news now. Didn't you hear? I told everyone last week. Sorry toots."

However, now that I'm closer to my due date, it feels more like a buddy of mine just had their baby and I get kinda proud of them. Gwen, for example, we've been "pregnancy buddies" for months now and instead of getting jealous of her attention, I'm like, "Way to go! That must mean I'm next!"

Now we'll just have to see whose baby is cuter...

A little taste...

2008-08-16T09:35:00.003-05:00

I was on vacation this past week. It was what the news channels are all calling "staycations." And while staycations are more in response to the rising gas prices, my staycation involved staying at home and experiencing a little taste of what it might be like to be a stay at home mom. With me being in the home stretch of my pregnancy, I had some things to wrap up around the house before she gets here. Here was my to-do list for the week:

-Paint Story's letters for her room

-Go to Bed, Bath & Beyond to see if they have something for our silverware

-Barnes & Noble to buy a journal and write thank you cards

-Write and send thank you cards

-Knitting shop in Edwardsville (I want to learnt to knit!)

-Give Tucker a bath

-Hang pictures in Story's room

I completed all of those things! And while being a stay at home mom, that list will probably have more "laundry" or "grocery shopping" items, it was still nice to have a full list and complete all of those things before 4pm on Friday.

I also got a little taste of how lonely it will be. By Thursday, I was bored. Skip would be out late on Thursday, so I was by myself all day until about 9pm without anyone to really call or hang out with. I guess when I stay at home, I can join mom's groups? But those sound really lame and depressing. This week I had the option of maybe going out for lunch or going to a matinee, which is always fun, but when Story is here and we're on one income, I won't really have that option anymore.

So I'm a little nervous about staying at home. What makes it easier is that I'm not super crazy about my job, and I won't miss it so it's not like I'm really sacrificing a career that I love. But I will miss being around people that can use the bathroom themselves and won't need three changes of clothes a day and it doesn't affect me if they get diarrhea.

A boy and his dog.

2008-08-07T09:33:00.003-05:00

Recently I've noticed that without my knowing, Tucker and Skip have become best friends. More often than not, I go to bed at least an hour or so before Skip does, and I started noticing that if Skip doesn't come upstairs to bed with me, then Tucker stays downstairs with him and looks at me like I'm crazy when I say to him, "Come on buddy, time for bed." Clearly, staying downstairs while Skip watches TV or plays video games with lights on is way more fun than being upstairs with me, not lying on the bed, and laying there in the dark in silence. It makes sense, after all, since Tucker spends a very good chunk of his day lying on his doggie bed with no one at home.

What's even funnier about their best bud-ness is how, after my and Tucker's morning routine of letting him outside and eating breakfast, he wants to go back upstairs immediately to see if Skip is awake. After breakfast, Tucker waits at the door to our bedroom, maybe even poking the knob with his nose, for me to open it up so he can bolt upstairs and see if his buddy is up yet and if he maybe wants to pet him a little bit. Since Tucker always beats me upstairs, I can tell by watching him if Skip is up yet. Tucker gets to the top of the stairs, looks over to the bed, and if Skip is awake, he puts his ears and head down in excitement and wags his tail so hard his butt shakes and prances right over to him to get some pets . If he's still asleep, Tucker just kind of walks back over to his corner with his blanket and goes back to sleep.

It should be noted that Skip always pets Tucker, and pets him good and for a good length of time, regardless of what he's wearing, so that he usually ends up covered in Tucker hair. I, on the other hand, don't pet him as much if I'm about to leave for work or don't feel like dusting myself off afterwards. Tucker must have noticed...

Skip asked me the other day, "If we have another girl, can we at least keep getting boy dogs?"

shopping.

2008-08-06T08:08:00.004-05:00

Here's one awesome thing about being pregnant: the urge and pressure to buy new clothes is pretty much gone. The fact that, when I walk into the Gap or any other clothing store, I feel no pressure to buy the latest trends is a pretty refreshing thing. Considering that, for the last 26 years, I've definitely felt that pressure, either with the need to fit in with my friends, or the urge to just look trendy or nice. Not to mention it's almost always reminded me of how broke I am.

Now that I can't wear those clothes, I feel no pressure! Throw all of your cute t-shirts and sweaters and jeans and dresses at me, I'm totally capable of ignoring them and feeling fine about it!

This also is partly replaced by the fact that I've been basically forced into buying maternity clothes. I'm terrible at shopping, I hate spending money and I hate all the options. But now that I literally can't fit into anything except maybe a few t-shirts, the guilt of spending money is gone because I really do need that shirt! I have no pants that fit, I need some new ones! I've never bought so many clothes, but I still don't really have that many maternity items.

It's nice to be forced, while at the same time it's equally nice to feel no pressure. ...makes sense.

It's August!

2008-08-01T10:25:00.002-05:00

Agh!! I think the countdown officially begins now. I am 30 weeks pregnant, with 10 more (hopefully) to go. August also marks the beginning of the scramble to finish all the baby projects we have going on. Stories from moms who had their babies 2, 3 or even 5 weeks early are, at this point, absolutely terrifying to me. We have a mattress and a crib. The crib is still in its box, unopened and certainly not put together. So, if she comes anytime soon she'll have a place to sleep, but nothing else. Oh well, at least she won't be sleeping in a dresser drawer.

I also have three baby showers and my birthing class this month, and I begin going to the doctor every 2 weeks instead of once a month. My back hurts, I'm tired, and my maternity clothes are starting to fit a little bit tighter.

Welcome to the last trimester.

sick and pregnant.

2008-07-21T15:00:00.004-05:00

Have you ever been sick and pregnant and the same time? I have. Well, I still am. It's horrible. I got sick and started feeling it on Friday morning, and here it is Monday afternoon, I came home from work early, I sat in a cloud of used Kleenex all weekend, and I'm still sick. My husband is the one who doesn't like to take medicine and let his body fix things itself, I'm the one who is all about the Nyquil and any other cold medication that will help me sleep better and get healthy faster. Now I can't take anything and I'm still sick and I feel horrible! This is awful! What if I die?? Dying can't be good for the baby, right? Wouldn't it be worse if I died? She's has been kicking me all weekend like, "What the heck is going ON up there?? Will you stop!" And I'm so big that I can't get very comfortable sleeping on the couch which is where you're supposed to spend a lot of time when you're sick! It's awful.

advice

2008-07-07T12:59:00.003-05:00

Everyone wants to give advice. Not necessarily (although they are among the most vocal advice-givers) moms, either seasoned or brand-new, but all people who have done something before you want to tell you how to do it. For example, my little brother is moving to Chicago and all I want to tell him is how to take the train and where he should go eat. But I don't. I realize how annoying it is, so I bite my tongue and tell him good luck and that he's going to love it. Get pregnant, on the other hand, and you will forever be surrounded by people giving unsolicited advice.

I'm not even a mom yet, and I already gave my first piece of advice. A childhood friend of mine is 13 weeks pregnant, and we were together over the fourth of July. It was a potluck dinner, and I was on round two of side dishes. She said to me, "Kate how many trips is this for you?" Meaning, how many times have you been back for seconds? She was kidding, and I knew it. I also knew that she was on round two or three herself. So I laughed and said, "Oh, you just wait. You'll see..."

I've become what I've always hated!! Not only do I hate the advice and constant talk about my pregnancy, but I hate when someone says "You just wait" to me! Now, in my defense, I meant, "You just wait until you're farther along" and most often when people tell me that phrase they are referencing my soon to be had lack of sleep or how much my life will change (no duh, and no shit). But still! (Ugh, on that note, let me just say, never ever tell a pregnant woman that her life is about to change. You don't think I know that?? Shut UP!)

Perhaps this advice-giving is part of the maternal instinct? I don't know, but from here on out, I promise to only say nice things and words of encouragement to new or soon to be moms. And if you guys knew how grumpy and irritable I am these days, you'll take my advice, too. :)

(Oh, haha, I just did it again. I told you to take my advice when I just told you not to give it. I think that's irony. Also, as a sort of PS, this pregnancy is making me dumber by the day. Can't you tell by this all-over-the-place blog?)

A Rush, A Catch, Then Death: Pregnancy Hormones at Their Finest

2008-06-12T09:39:00.006-05:00

Tucker, my dog, is very finicky about going outside these days. No longer is he excited to go outside just to be outside. If he doesn't have to pee, he looks at me standing at the open back door and goes, "Eh." He also has this nasty little habit of running outside if Skip and I leave the house together and then proceeds to run between the fence gate and the front yard, dodging us as we try to grab him to put him back inside. He's a 70 lb. yellow lab/shepard mix, he's fast, and he's strong.

So instead of going out back after I get home from work, sometimes Tucker will join me in the front yard as I get the mail. He pees on the big tree in front, and comes right back inside. He'd rather just hang out with you than walk around by himself out back. Fair enough. Yesterday, same old, I go out to get the mail, and Tucker joins me. He goes out to pee on the tree, and the next thing I know I hear him scrambling fast, like he's chasing something. At first I get scared that he's about to run into the street, but then my worries stop as he's no longer running into the street, but he's caught something, has it in his mouth, and is running to the back fence gate so he can go out back and play with whatever he caught.

I'm almost 6 months pregnant, and I'm standing in the front yard, screaming at my dog, "Tucker, no!!" I run to the backyard to follow him, and see him just as he drops the poor thing he caught. A little grey baby bunny. No bigger than my hand. "Tucker stop!" But too late, he was already chasing after it again and caught it, again. The little thing almost got through the slats in the fence but it was just a little bit too big. Tucker caught the bunny again and was holding it in his mouth. Now I've got him by the collar and the scruff of his neck screaming "Drop it!! Tucker drop it!" He does, and it lays still where it lands. It takes all my might to keep Tucker from grabbing it again, and I drag him into the house and close the door. I go back to check on the little baby bunny. She is breathing really fast, and she's lying still, I tell myself she's just getting her bearings back, by the time I come back, she'll be gone.

I go inside to call Skip who is still at work. At this point, it's still kind of funny to me. My heart is pounding and Tucker is looking very proud of himself. I call Skip and tell him the story, and, while I have him on the phone, I go outside to check on the bunny. She's still there, except now I can see she is trying to get up. She is nudging her head and moving all of her legs, but something won't let her get up. She rolls over onto her side.

Enter pregnant Kate. I start crying. Hard. Poor little thing, she's trying so hard to get up. I don't know what to do, should I kill her and put her out of her misery? No way, I can't kill her. I'm too pregnant and emotional. It was hard enough killing gross little moles that Tucker had half-killed, no way can I kill a sweet little baby bunny. Skip won't be home for a couple hours. Should I call my dad to come do it? What if my neighbor's dog comes outside and gets a hold of her? Where was that bunny's mother? I start crying even harder. I decide to just go back inside and try to stop crying.

I've given myself a huge headache at this point, and I'm not speaking to Tucker. I go out a little bit later, and the baby bunny is dead. I don't know if Tucker broke her back, or punctured something internally, or just gave her a heart attack, but now she's dead and still. Poor baby bunny. I get very sad again, but leave to go run errands. Skip comes home while I am gone and takes care of the poor little baby bunny. I was too sad the rest of the night.

I gave Tucker a very stern talking to about picking on things his own size. I know he's a dog and he was following his instinct, but he needs to learn the lesson about fair fights. That little bunny didn't stand a chance. If Tucker catches a full grown adult bunny, that's one thing, but poor little baby animals aren't fast enough. It would be like me picking on a hamster.

I couldn't believe how upset I got. I've been weepy a lot lately. These pregnancy hormones are killing me.

shut UP!

2008-06-02T18:33:00.002-05:00

Ugh, I am so irritable. I mean I am really cranky. Maybe it's because I'm not so crazy about my job right now. Maybe it's because I kind of hate my job right now. Maybe it's because I'm so tired. But am I so tired because I'm pregnant? Or is it because I'm not working out as much? Or am I so cranky because I'm pregnant? Ugh. Maybe it's because I've been to my doctor twice in two weeks and no one seems to know what is happening or why I'm there. My doctor actually said, after I told him it was me in the hospital last weekend, "Oh that was you?" Or maybe the two white trash pregnant ladies in the waiting room who reeked of cigarette smoke and kept talking about jail and bail and their cars getting repossessed and quitting their jobs and "bitch" this and "hoe" that and it really depressed me to know that these ladies were about to bring kids into the world and how sad it would be for those little kids growing up and then I saw the ladies in the parking lot afterwards and they already had a van full of kids. I felt very lucky and almost guilty all at the same time for being as "well off" as I am.

I'm probably a little bummed out too.

scary.

2008-05-25T08:34:00.004-05:00

I had to go into the hospital late Friday night/early Saturday morning. It's normal to experience some cramping and aches and pains in your abdomen area while you're pregnant because your muscles and ligaments are stretching and growing. It's when those pains don't go away with rest and fluids that you need to worry.

That's what happened to me. Friday night I went out with friends to say goodbye to another friend who is leaving for Korea. I started feeling crampy then, but I chalked it up to being tired and also the constant shouting to talk above the noise.

By the time I got home, I couldn't stand up straight. I washed my face and went to bed, knowing that before, this feeling went away with some rest. Although, before it never hurt this bad.

I woke up a couple hours later barely able to yell for Skip. We went to the emergency room and I was sent to the women's center where they monitored my contractions (contractions!!), did a bunch of ultrasounds on the baby and my appendix and gallbladder, drew blood, gave me two shots (one of which is making my leg super sore and tender over 24 hours later), and gave me an I.V. Apparently my potassium was low, which was also causing me to shiver uncontrollably. Eventually, about 5am, I was able to get to sleep without nurses coming in and checking on me. Skip slept in a recliner.

I'm still hazy about what caused what; were my contractions causing my potassium level to drop or vice versa? I have to call my doctor and go in this week for a quick checkup.

I'm extremely grateful that I was able to go home after about 11 hours. I was thinking the worst on the way to the ER: are they going to put me on bed rest? Am I going to lose my baby? It was definitely the first time I realized that not only was I pregnant, but I am a parent with someone to take care of. It also made me see how fragile everything can be and it can all be gone in an instant.

While I'm still unsure of the exact details, I do know that everyone is ok. Me, the baby, everyone

By the way, we're naming her Story.

It's a girl!

2008-05-19T12:49:00.002-05:00

excuses, part 2

2008-05-10T07:49:00.003-05:00

I just went to the dentist's office. I'm a teeth grinder, and he asked me how my night guard was holding up since the warranty expires in July. I had to tell him that my dog chewed it up while he was showing off for my mom's dog.

"Oh man!' he says. "I wonder if the warranty covers dog damage. Don't leave before I call them to see that way we won't have to charge you for a new one." I'm grateful, those things can run a couple hundred bucks (yes, I know Walgreens sells $20 generic one size fits all night guards, I've chewed through about 3 of them). The ones my dentist makes fit to your teeth perfectly and are made of a hard material that lasts a couple years.

His hygienist, who is also pregnant and due a month before me, yells after him, "Tell them she's pregnant!"

Everyone takes pity on a pregnant girl who can't sleep because her teeth are grinding too hard, right?

excuses, excuses.

2008-05-06T18:08:00.003-05:00

Being pregnant is a love/ hate relationship. For the most part, I hate being pregnant. Well, definitely I hated it at first. My Body for Life body was becoming no more, my skin was breaking out like crazy (crazy!!), I was nauseous, I couldn't run my half marathon, and all I ever wanted to do was go to sleep.

But now, I am slowly looking less like I'm chubbing out and more like I'm pregnant, my skin is a bit more under control, the nausea is almost gone (just please don't make me cook meat), and I'm a little bit more awake. And, as a bonus, I've discovered the pregnancy excuse.

For example, last night we had James over for his birthday. Everyone was having a great time, but I was exhausted after having flown back from Cleveland that evening and rushed around in a short amount of time to straighten the house and pick up Tucker from The Bets' house before people started arriving. About 9pm, I was getting a headache I was so tired. This isn't abnormal, I have always been a tired person. I went upstairs to lie down for just a few seconds before going back and waiting for all the guests to leave, when I remembered that I was pregnant.

Hooray! "Sorry guys, I think I have to go upstairs and lie down. I'm exhausted." People took this as a great idea, since I was pregnant and all. I really was exhausted, I can tell the difference between regular tired and pregnant tired, and last night I was definitely both, but now that I can pull the pregnancy card, I look like less of a party pooper.

So today, when I locked my keys in my car in a rural Missouri town over an hour from home, and the locksmith said it might take 2.5 hours before he could get there, I wanted to say, "But I'm pregnant!" I knew that wouldn't make a difference, and luckily I found someone else who made me wait only 45 minutes. I guess the ol' pregnancy card isn't always a way out. Or in, in this case.

food.

2008-04-29T17:03:00.003-05:00

I'm hungry. Here is what I ate today up until about 10 minutes ago:

Yogurt blast Cheerios with skim milk

Peanut butter crackers

Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips

Panera/ Bread Co.:

-broccoli cheddar soup (about 1.5 bowls)

-1/4 of a chicken salad sandwich

-chips

-Greek salad

-short bread cookie (not all of it, but you know... just most of it)

Diet Pepsi (aspartame and caffeine??! My baby will have 3 arms!)

That should be enough. Enough clearly until dinner tonight. Nope, I got home from work and was legitimately hungry again.

I just ate 2 turkey hot dogs with ketchup and mustard.

I don't have any weird cravings, I just have cravings. For food. Immediately. I have food turn offs: vegetables, meat that I have to cook myself, and poultry is hot and cold for me. On the other hand, I can't get enough fruit or cheese.

I'm trying to not make the mistake I hear a lot of first time pregnant ladies make: eating a lot using pregnancy as an excuse. But I'm not kidding people, I'm hungry. Right now.

I have also recently rediscovered Ramen noodles and I can't wait to eat it for dinner tonight. I mean I am really excited.

"Oh!'

2008-04-25T09:59:00.002-05:00

"Uh oh, you're starting to show!"

I'm starting to hear this more and more often. It's a strange phenomenon because, really, they're telling me I'm getting fatter. That's what happens first, mostly, when you get pregnant, you just look and feel fat before you really look and feel pregnant. Which is exactly where I am right now. But, instead of it being an all-over weight gain, it's mostly just my tummy and my sides. I mean, yeah I've gained some weight everywhere else (ahem, butt), but noticeably in my stomach. Which is why I'm hearing the "showing" statements.

It's funny because it's confusing. It's hard to know what to think. Someone just told me they can see that my stomach is bigger. Until now, I could only relate that kind of comment to some serious weight gain and I need to hit the treadmill. But now I think, oh, riiiight... not my fault! Nope, I am totally gaining this weight through no efforts of my own. Ok, so I didn't need those Doritos. But mostly it's just my kid getting bigger, and how can I help that?! (By the by, he or she is the size of an avacado now... mm, avacado.)

I can't! Bring on the Doritos!

eh.

2008-04-11T15:45:00.002-05:00

"Most of the current wisdom says that a pregnant woman can continue exercising to her full capacity, but that she should not take up new or more difficult regimens after becoming pregnant. To be completely candid with you, I did not know how to exercise moderately. If I wasn't working out to achieve strength or to stay trim, I would just as soon skip the whole thing. Since the stakes were so high, I wasn't willing to gamble with how much was too much. And since there comes a point when exercising lightly becomes a waste of time, I just gave the whole thing up."

-The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy

Ok, so before you give me crap about the book that I'm reading, let me first say that this pregnancy book is awesome. It isn't dry and boring like the other ones that I'm reading, it feels more relatable, and this lady talks just like me and cracks me up. So deal with it people, pregnancy books suck and if you can find one that isn't mind-numbing, read your heart out.

Case in point: this paragraph I have typed out for you, straight from the author's mouth/book. It pretty much sums up how I feel about exercising right now. The chapter I'm in has the author's top 10 list for reasons why keeping up your gym membership isn't totally necessary during pregnancy. It's something I really need to hear right now as my gym outings are levelling out at about once, maybe twice a week. When I do have the energy to go, I use the elliptical machine, but find myself really pushing myself and working hard, then I start to worry that I'm depriving my baby of oxygen. It sucks. Again, going to the gym as a stress reliever, in this instance, might be a tad counterproductive.

the half

2008-04-10T15:56:00.004-05:00

Last weekend, The Bets and others ran the half-marathon and relay, respectively. I was glad to be there as a spectator and supporter, but I was really pissed off too. I wanted to run. I was so tired, but I still got that runner's rush and wanted to run my ass off. Argh. Oh well, maybe next year I'll say screw the half and run the full.

Here's a picture to show my frustration. This was when Betsy and our friend Katie and I went to pick up our shirts. I essentially paid $55 for a running shirt and some free samples at the registration place.

frowny face.

2008-03-31T10:39:00.003-05:00

The half marathon is this weekend. The halfie. My halfie. And I won't be running it.

I'm really bummed out about this. Very bummed out, actually. I was really enjoying training for it and pushing myself farther and farther. I was really excited to run it with a lot of my friends running in it as well or at least being there to support me. Some people from work were even going to come. But now I feel like I've quit. A small consolation is that I can still go pick up my goody bag that has my shirt and my bib number, but even that is a small slap in the face.

I really wanted to run it. And the worst part is that I could have run it! If I had just a little more energy, I could have continued training and been even more proud of myself knowing that I'd just run a half marathon while I was almost 4 months pregnant. Instead I'm just some tired pregnant lady standing on the side lines feeling crappy.

Oh well, I guess I can feel better knowing that, while I could have continued training, I could have also put my baby more at risk from all the exertion. I could have continued training, but if my body wasn't responding well or if I'd started spotting, that could have been bad news. At least I can still be there to support my friends, and hopefully I can keep myself in good enough shape while I'm pregnant that I can start training for the half (or maybe full?) in enough time to be able to run it next year.

If I could just freaking wake up already!!

anytime.

2008-03-28T17:35:00.002-05:00

It used to be that if I didn't go to the gym first thing in the morning, I wouldn't go. I mean, first thing. There was a long stretch of time that I wouldn't even brush my teeth before I went... well, until my aunt told me that was kinda gross. I certainly never ate anything before I went. If I couldn't go first thing in the morning, I just couldn't go. I would skip that day. I hated having a work out at the back of my mind. I liked having my evenings to do whatever I wanted, not wasting it at the gym. Plus, the gym was more crowded in the evenings. No thank you, I'll wake up at 5:15 am to go if I have to.

I did that for years. Years. I did that through college. College. I remember my junior year when I first lived in a dorm my roommate and neighbors would be amazed at the fact that I got up consistently 3 mornings during the week and went to work out.

I can't do that anymore. I can't get up early anymore. I've gone backwards, so to speak. I've never been able to stay up late, but now I can't even wake up early. I need sleep. Thus, I've made some adjustments and I now go to the gym only in the evenings. It's the only time I can go. I don't really like it, if I had my way I would still go in the mornings so I could have my evenings free, but I just can't get up early enough now that I have a 45 minute commute.

This week I found myself at the gym at 8pm and didn't leave until after 9. I feel a bit rebellious to my old self. I feel like I've finally given up some of my anal tendencies in my old age. I feel like I finally like to work out, instead of it just being something I made myself do.

Or maybe I'm just really, really tired.

an explanation.

2008-03-19T16:59:00.002-05:00

Some of you may be wondering, "Gee Kate, for someone who is training for a half-marathon and blogging about her 12 week training schedule, you sure aren't talking about running too much." Well, my friends, thank you for being so observant, first of all. And second of all, I have a confession to make: I haven't really been training for the half marathon. I've been really exhausted.

Because I'm pregnant.

I apologize for my secrecy, seeing as how I've known for about 2 months now. But, if it makes you feel any better, I'm 12 weeks into my pregnancy! How's that for ironic?!! Each trimester is 12 weeks long! Things that last for 12 weeks is my life!

So it looks as though I won't run the half marathon, not because my doctor says I can't, but because I have been so tired I can hardly think straight. However, I'm on to my second set of 12 weeks (read: 2nd trimester), and now that I'm "out" with my news, I can blog about pregnancy workouts!

simpler times. and workouts.

2008-03-11T17:23:00.003-05:00

I was at the gym the other night on the elliptical machine. I was really annoyed for some reason. Everything was pissing me off. This happens sometimes at the gym. I see people doing exercises with terrible form and I get mad, marveling at how could they possibly not understand that they're doing it wrong. Sometimes people do their repetitions on the weight machines reeeally fast. Like the faster they go they think the better the workout. It drives me crazy!

So this night, the lady on the treadmill in front of me was making me insane. She was going the slowest she could probably go on the treadmill. You know when you get on the treadmill and it starts on like 0.5 mph and it's up to you to make the speed increase? Yeah, I don't think she got that memo. So she's moseying along (at least she was not hanging on the handrails-argh!!), and I'm trying to calm myself down. Why do I get so worked up sometimes? Why won't she go faster??! Then, to make things worse, she starts running. BUT. She does not increase the speed. She was going 1 mph but she was trying to run. So she was bouncing and working her arms and legs like she was running. At 1 mph. Yaargagahhhhgghh. Ugh.

I take some deep breaths. So what? So what this lady is working it? So what she is trying to make the most out of her workout? This frustration coming from the girl who gets frustrated as hell when she can't run as far or lift as much as she could in college. Or last week.

So I'm calming myself down. I don't know this lady's story. Maybe she's recovering from an injury. Maybe this is her first time working out and she's excited and making the most out of going slow. I'm jumping to conclusions and making assumptions about this broad. Meanwhile,I should be focusing on my workout. And my blood pressure.

Reflecting on this made me miss just enjoying a good workout. Anymore, I have to accomplish something. I have to break a personal record. I have to work really hard. If I go to the gym wanting to run and end up only being able to walk, I get pissed at myself. I feel like my workout didn't count and I might as well have done nothing at all.

I feel like going to the gym to relieve stress is actually counterproductive.

new bloggers!

2008-03-05T09:18:00.003-06:00

I consider myself to be a great influence. If I haven't convinced anyone to get into shape, then I have at least convinced a couple people to start blogs. My mom, and the Bets!

My mom's blog is funny, silly, and about her new dog, Sonny. Well, it's partly about him. He's a very goofy dog, and in his big puppy phase, and entertaining to read about. He's a yellow lab who looks very much like my buddy, Tucker. My mum is a dog lover, through and through, and she's a really good writer and also she's my mom! I bet your mom doesn't have a blog!

The other blog I'm excited to tell you about is Betsy's! Or The Bets for short. Betsy is a marathon runner who is posting funny blogs about the people she meets and things she thinks about while running. For example, what flavor Popsicle would I be? If I was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, I would probably be... And, my favorite, why is this dog following me? Why hasn't he gotten squashed by a car yet? Her blog is titled Bubba Loves to Run because she has an inner fat kid she named Bubba. You may also remember that Betsy just happened to make authorized meals for Girl's Night while I was still doing BFL.

Betsy and my Mom are also both amazing cooks. I want to be like them one day.

I hope you enjoy. I'm linking them up under my "Bloggers That I Love" list to your right! Enjoy!

the couch.

2008-03-04T09:41:00.004-06:00

With the weather being absolutely ridiculous (it was 75 degrees and sunny on Sunday and today we are sitting on an inch of ice with 3-5" of snow falling) and my commute being a good 45 minutes, I tend to work from home a lot. Which I hate. I feel less productive, probably because I am, and I spend the day on the couch. I feel really gross after I work from home all day, like I haven't done anything. I never really understood how people could be couch potatoes or what that would even feel like. I do now. I hate this weather.

lemons.

2008-02-27T15:30:00.002-06:00

A while ago, when I was craving some pop, my friends suggested I squeeze lemon into some sparkling water. That way I would get the bubbly feeling as well as some flavor.

Has anyone seen this recent study on lemon slices served in drinks at restaurants? You know, in your iced tea, you request it for your Diet Coke, some places just put a lemon slice in your water without asking. It's an article worth reading. Here is a little "taste" (no pun intended) of what the article discussed:

"A total of 25 different types of germs were found on 53 out of the 76 lemons that were sampled. Some were fecal in origin (either from dirty fingertips of the restaurant employees, or from meat-contaminated cutting boards and knives), while others were types commonly found in saliva, on the skin and in the environment."

Ugh.

kids.

2008-02-25T15:44:00.003-06:00

My family and I have been going to our gym for probably about 16 years. There used to be a sign in the main cardio/weight machine room that said "No one under 12 allowed in the weight room." It really sucked at first because we, my younger brother and I, really wanted to go to the gym, too. My older brother was old enough to work out. There were several times when we were pulled aside by the owner and my dad pointed to me and my younger brother and said, "She's 11 and he's 10." We were 10 and 8, respectively. I guess my dad wanted us to be almost 12? Eventually, we kids stopped trying to go to the gym.

The other night (I'm 26 now), I walk in to the gym and see three kids on the treadmills. I immediately got pissed. It was 7 o'clock on a Tuesday, the place was packed with guys in jeans (yes, jeans) lifting weights, older ladies getting out of aerobics class, and people in general just working out. Between the kids on the treadmill was an older woman, I'm guessing she was their mom.

By the time I got out of the locker room, the kids and mom were off the treadmill and onto the weight machines. I get on my elliptical and zone out. I catch glimpses of the family as they move around the gym. Granted, these kids were better behaved than a lot of the kids I usually see at the gym. Fifteen year olds walking at about 2mph on a treadmill talking on their cell phone. Girls, soaking wet from the pool in their shorts and t-shirts, running around giggling and playing on the machines.

The kids this night were working out with their folks. The boy did leg presses with his dad. The girl watched quietly. As they were walking out, I saw that it was a family of five, just like mine was. The oldest boy was probably the only one over 12. All of them were overweight. The little girl, maybe 8 or 9, had little chubby rolls at her sides. Same for her younger brother.

Before I left the gym, I noticed the "No one under 12..." sign was not up anymore. I wonder how long it's been down.

sleepy.

2008-02-16T07:40:00.003-06:00

I've been sleepy. I come home, and I take a little nap. When I wake up, sooooometimes I go to the gym and sometimes I don't. This week I took it a bit easy, but it's ok. Right now I am waiting for the gym to open so I can go for a run. I'm too tired to try and decide if I want to run in the cold or not. Well, it's not so much the cold, as it is cold mornings. I can run in cold afternoons, but cold mornings are not sitting well with me.

In other news, I made chicken breast with gouda cheese gravy for Valentine's Day. Eat that, Body for Life!

The Talker.

2008-02-07T09:34:00.000-06:00

There is a woman at the gym that I steer clear of. She will talk to anyone. And not only will she engage in conversation, but it's totally one-sided. She talks and talks and talks and cannot take any kind of nonverbal cue that lets her know the person she is chattering away to is not interested.

At least, that was my experience.

I was at the gym one night running on a treadmill. It was pretty quiet, so I decided to run on one of the treadmills closest to the TV. It was while I was still on BFL and my iPod was still broken and had not been replaced. Thankfully, I only had to do 20 minutes of cardio.

She gets on the treadmill directly next to me, even though there is no one on any treadmill. Ok, I think, she wants to be able to watch TV, too. Great. The news is on, and they are talking about certain churches being demanded to show proof of exactly how they are spending the millions of dollars they are bringing in, and some churches either will not show proof that their money is going towards reputable causes, or they can't.

She starts talking. And talking. Voicing her opinion loudly. To me. At first I think, ok, fine, I'll make idle chit chat, and then she'll see that I'm not totally interested and stop talking to me. It happens all the time at the gym. You get on a treadmill, maybe make some small talk to the person next to you, then shut up and get on with your workout.

She does not stop talking. I finally stop pretending to even be listening and this lady does not shut up. And it's embarassing. It's one thing to talk about your day or something, but this lady is ranting and raving about churches having to prove how they spend their money and why don't super star athletes have to do the same thing. There are people behind us on the stationary bikes. I hope they don't think I agree with her statements. Or they at least see how annoyed I am.

I have since steered clear of her at all costs. I see her talking to someone constantly. I feel sorry for whoever gets stuck next to her on any of the cardio equipment. If anything, I make sure to leave my earbuds in my ears so she thinks I can't hear her if I see her in the locker room or something. Unforunately, she caught me the other day in the locker room. I thought I was safe because she was on the other side of the lockers, but she caught me in the mirror. There was no one else in there.

"What time do the polls close today?" she asked.

"I really don't know," I say, and hightail it out of there.

sigh

2008-02-03T13:20:00.000-06:00

I hate the snow. I really just hate the snow. I hate everything about it: driving in it, walking in it, getting it all over the bottoms of my jeans, wiping Tucker's paws off every time he comes back inside, shoveling it, looking at it when it's gross and dirty, and being cold from it. Today is my long run day and the thought of running it on a treadmill makes me crazy. But when I tried to find a good route around town to run, a lot of the sidewalks are snowed over. I am also a big baby.

Good thing it will be almost 60 degrees outside tomorrow! Haha, take that, snow!

machine

2008-02-01T11:34:00.000-06:00

You know what is really cool? Turning your body into some kind of machine. It's crazy! Eating right and exercising and then seeing the results in the form of being able to run for extended periods of time is crazy and I think it's awesome. I've never been able to run so far! I'm really pumped about the half marathon and I'm just happy that I've gotten myself back in shape. And I get to run a half marathon! It's just cool to see a hill and climb it... literally and figuratively.

Yay!

oooouch. and an adjustment.

2008-01-29T09:42:00.000-06:00

Sometimes when I run, my leg dies. My right leg, it dies. It feels dead. I was almost done with my 5 mile run on Sunday when it happened. It usually happens when I run. It just gets a dull pain up and down my whole leg, and the only way I can describe it is to say it feels dead.

I think I am committing the #1 cardinal sin of beginner runners: I'm doing too much too soon. When I started doing the 12 week training program, it had a little "demo" week (totalling about 19 miles) that I should be able to run comfortably for 4-5 weeks before starting this program. I can't run that much. Also, when I run on the treadmill, I think I have the speed set too high. I need to run a little slower.

So, I'm backing off the miles a little bit. I'm sort of meshing together two training programs that I've seen. Both have me running close to the same amount of miles in a week, but one schedule has 3 rest days scheduled instead of just 2. So I'm compromising and running at least one recovery or easy run in the middle of the week.

I think if I can build up my long run to 10 miles, I will be fine on the day of the half marathon. So, along with my husband (a longtime runner and track and cross country coach), I am tweaking my running schedule just a bit.

My leg dies more often towards the end of my running week. I want to stick to the schedule, but I also don't want to hurt myself. This is very tricky.

my iPod is too emo.

2008-01-23T21:24:00.000-06:00

I love running with my new iPod nano and its armband, seeing as how my old nano went the way of getting caught in a treadmill and being bent to smithereens because I had no armband and my hand caught it while I was running and flipped it off the little treadmill tray right into the jaws of the machine. However, the armband is also kind of a curse. It's really awkward to have to reach across my chest while I'm running to change it to the next song. Especially if song after song isn't a good one to run to because it's slow and dreary. Thus I came to this conclusion: my iPod is too emo.

I was 2 miles into my run tonight before I finally came to a song that was upbeat enough to actually make me want to run a bit quicker or feel a bit more pumped up. Up until then I either just listened to the song that came on because I was sick of reaching across and changing it, or I reached across time after time and came to lame song after lame, sad, emo song hoping that the next one will be something fun.

I made a running playlist over the summer that had only songs that were upbeat and fast paced. But... I got bored of those songs because, well, they were the ones I listened to every time I ran. In the same order.

I've got a new idea. I think I am going to actually clear out my iPod and leave only good running songs on there. Then, I'm going to actually use my iTunes gift cards and buy some great music and continue to buy great music up until the half marathon. By then I should have enough songs to listen to on shuffle that I won't get too bored and can trust that each song that comes up will be decent and not sad and mopey.

I need suggestions.

that damn fan!

2008-01-23T07:47:00.000-06:00

And I don't mean someone who really likes me!

At the gym, there is a line of treadmills in front of a huge mirror. I like running in front of the mirror because then I can see what everyone is doing in the gym behind me and I can get in some great people watching. My other option is to run looking directly into a white wall or the single flat screen TV that just plays the news or baseball games. My gym isn't very high-tech.

So, in front of the mirror. Now, over to the right of all the treadmills, there is a huge fan. Sometimes someone will push this fan so it is not blowing directly on them and the five other treadmill goers beside them thus allowing them to do... oh what is it called? Oh yeah! Sweat. Don't get me wrong people, I like a light breeze, but this is like standing in front of one of those wind tunnel machines. During the summer, it's slightly more tolerable. But when it's 4 degrees outside and I'm wearing shorts and a tank top, it's very hard for me to ever get warm. Even if I'm running for an extended period of time.

That's what happened last night. This lady, who was holding onto the treadmill (one of my pet peeves - you don't get a good workout when you hold on!) and kept her eyes down the entire time, had the fan on and blowing directly on her. I mean, her bangs were blowing in the wind and the fan couldn't have been more than 10 inches from her face. Ugh!!! I tried to get on a treadmill that was farthest from the breeze, but it was no use. Ten minutes into my run I was still freezing and my hands were ice. Oh, and did I mention there is a small built in fan on every treadmill? Hey lady, just use that!

She finally got off the treadmill. I turned to the guy walking next to me and asked if he would mind if I turned the fan away. Thankfully he said for me to go ahead, and I was able to get in a workout where I was actually able to sweat and get warm.

If people want to be cold while they work out, hello, it's winter. Go outside! That damn fan is one of my biggest pet peeves in life. I hate that fan.

out of town

2008-01-21T08:38:00.000-06:00

I was in Chicago this weekend. I need to stay there for longer than a day and a half, I need to see more people while I'm there (Josh I'm talking to you!).

But anyway, while I was there, I was able to go for a run on Saturday at the gym with my friend, Kris. This gym is amazing, it puts Leisure World to shame.

I missed my long run this weekend though. It was 6 miles, but I didn't get a chance to run it. I couldn't run outside, it was like -2 in Chicago. I didn't have a chance to go to the gym because we had to start shooting our movie. I hope it won't hurt me too much. I definitely cannot make a habit out of missing my long runs, they're scheduled in to help me build up endurance.

I'm trying not to freak out to much about missing that run,but I do feel bad. Oh well, I'll pick it up next week, right?

titular line

2008-01-17T12:34:00.000-06:00

I hurt all over. All over.

This running stuff is crazy! I ran outside yesterday for the first time, as you know, and my legs are freaking killing me. My quadriceps are killing me and my knees are a little sore, along with my hips.

Dear concrete,

Thanks a lot.

Love, Kate

Screw BFL, this running stuff is crazy! I hurt way worse after my third day of training than I have all 12 weeks of BFL.

But don't worry about me. This is all part of it. Yes, I have good shoes. No, I'm not doing more than I can handle. The run last night was actually really nice, and running four miles wasn't really a problem, it was the cold and dark that was hardest to work through.

The good news is, I'm still really excited about training! I super stoked for warmer weather, longer days, and longer runs!

Fine, I'll do it!

2008-01-16T17:54:00.000-06:00

Well, I just got back from a four mile run. OUTside! Yay! It was actually really nice. Very peaceful... well, except for all the cars. But one time I turned down a side street and it got really quiet and I could actually hear my feet hit the ground. Pretty nice. By the time I was finished with the run I wasn't cold at all and felt pretty great.

Ok, so, now I know I can do it. From now on, except for snow days, I'll try my best to get at least a couple of runs a week outside.

fartlek.

2008-01-16T08:47:00.000-06:00

It's a real word, I swear. And it has nothing to do with farting. ...or Ikea furniture.

A fartlek is essentially a speed interval that can, for a beginning runner, last anywhere from 30 seconds to 3 minutes. An advanced runner might have 20-30 minute fartlek intervals.

I ran four miles last night! It was my "fartlek" day and I'm happy to say I made it through alive.

One thing I'm kind of worried about is that right now I'm running on a treadmill. Which is ok, but not great. I ran four miles last night at a controlled pace at a controlled incline. If I had to run four miles outside in the cold with hills and slopes, I don't know if I would have been able to do it. But when I get home from work, it's starting to get dark.

Mostly I think I just need to take the time to map out a course or two around town. I just don't like the idea of running outside in the dark. There aren't a lot of streetlights around town unless I stay on main roads. When I run on those roads, I get honked and hooted at so by the time I'm done with what should be a stress-relieving run I'm actually really annoyed and I just want to catch up with the honkers and shove their heads through a car window.

first day!

2008-01-14T17:27:00.000-06:00

Today is the first day of my half marathon training, and boy am I tired.

Today is my rest day!

Mondays and Fridays are my rest days from running. So my day today consists of me doing absolutely nothing. Tough, I know. But tomorrow I start off with a cool 4 mile run that makes me a little bit scared. And eventually I want to start lifting some weight too, but I don't want to exhaust myself or my body and possibly get hurt. It's going to be a bit of a tango figuring out how to train for the half, but I'm ready for it.

Today I do, however, start eating the BFL way again. Bummer. It's okay though, I said goodbye to my days off by eating at Red Robin last night. I had a cheeseburger with bacon and a fried egg on top! Delish, but I think my heart is a little mad at me today.

blah.

2008-01-09T09:06:00.000-06:00

I'm in my second week off of Body For Life and I feel like crap. There's no order! It's chaos! I haven't been grocery shopping in probably two weeks! Which, before BFL, was pretty common at our house so it's easy to see how we slipped into such terrible eating habits. We go out to eat all the time, we don't eat on a regular basis, and especially since I've been "deprived" of really good junk food for 12 weeks, it's really easy to let myself eat the unhealthy stuff at restaurants.

So! That being said. I'm very ready to get back on some kind of 12 week program. Not 12 step, 12 week. My half marathon training starts on Monday, and I plan on starting to eat the BFL way again too.

Here is my concern with the half marathon training: I have to run 13.1 miles! I have to be even more diligent with my training. What I mean is, with BFL, if I couldn't work out one or two days it was like no big deal. With the half marathon, if I don't run for a couple days, I could really screw myself. This isn't just "I want to get back in shape," this is "If I don't run on a schedule and do what they say, I could really hurt myself. Really." 13.1 miles!

So, pray for me, people. I feel like this half marathon will be a really great challenge and a step up from BFL. I'm excited! I'm also ready to get back in the gym and grocery store and out of McDonald's.

Mmmm, McDonald's.

finals!

2008-01-01T16:57:00.001-06:00

Before - October 7, 2007...

weight: 117.5 lbs.

chest: 34"

waist: 29"

hips: 36"

biceps: 11"

thighs: 22"

calves: 14"

After - December 30, 2007... (12 weeks later!)

weight: 109

chest: 33"
waist: 26.5"
hips: 33"
biceps: 10"
thighs: 21"
calves: 13"

That's it! I can't believe it's over. It went by so fast. Now I almost feel lost without the structure and regimen. It feels good to take a little time off, but I'm already ready to get started with my half marathon training (also 12 weeks long). But for now I'm working on getting my photos made, writing my essay for the BFL Challenge, and trying my best to win $50,000!

Thanks to everyone for reading my blog and giving me loads of encouragement and support. Body for Life was a super realistic program that I truly believe anyone who wants to do it can and will succeed. But you have to want to do it! It goes by really fast, you see results so quickly, and it's just easy! Read the book or just use the website, I'm here for anyone who wants to give it a go.

Thanks again, and keep reading as I start my marathon training! Happy 12 weeks!

this is it, this is it...

2007-12-28T10:08:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow, December 28th, is my last day of Body for Life! I'm super stoked to take a bit of time off, or at least not worry about sticking so closely to a regimen. I'm also really looking forward to training for this half marathon (from here on out will be referred to as "the halfie") for a bit of a shake-up on the diet and exercise stuff. Don't they say to switch things up to keep it interesting? ...I actually think they use that phrasing for several things. But, funny enough, the halfie program that I'm doing is also 12 weeks!

But anyway I'm really excited that tomorrow is my last day. Thank you to everyone for reading my blog and supporting me these 12 weeks. And an extra special thanks to The Bets for making authorized meals (whether she meant to or not) on the nights we got together to pig out and watch America's Next Top Model. A special no thanks to her parents for sending 4 tubs of cheese to her house on America's Next Top Model night.

Keep checking in because in a few days I'll be posting my before and after pictures and my stats!! Also, I will obviously keep blogging about halfie trials and tribulations. That's 13.1 miles baby!

phew!

2007-12-26T09:24:00.001-06:00

Well the holidays are over and I made it through alive. I managed to have about 4 free days in a row and not throw my last week of BFL completely out the window. I'm excited for Saturday to roll around, so I can get my fake tan on (it helps to accentuate tone and muscle) and take my after picture and send in my completed Challenge Packet. $50,000 here I come! ...I hope. Wouldn't that be cool? Dang dude, if I win $50K I will poop my pants. Well, I would pay off my student loans and then poop my pants.

In other news, my new adventure after Body For Life consists of me training for the St. Louis Half Marathon in April! Stay tuned as I combine BFL and marathon training!

what happened?

2007-12-21T08:25:00.001-06:00

Healthy & desirable (1943):

Um... desirable? (2007):

What happened here? (That's Tara Reid, by the way.) What happened to looking healthy? What happened to the definition of "healthy"? What happened that made everyone want to be so skinny?

ugh, i hate the holidays!

2007-12-18T15:53:00.000-06:00

Today we had our Christmas party at work. I tried my very best to not eat all the crap there, and I did pretty good, but I didn't do great. Last night our neighbor brought over two tins of cookies and fudge for Christmas. I have to eat at like a million houses between Christmas Eve and Day. This is what I hate, the beating up of myself. Why can't I just eat like a regular person? Oh right, because when I did I gained 10 pounds. But it's the holidays! I wish I could cut myself some freaking slack.

People ask what is life after BFL like? What do you do? My answer: round 2 baby. That's right. I'm so pleased with my results from this 12 week cycle that I fully plan on (taking a week off and then) starting over with week 1.

I'm kind of annoyed at myself for taking the results I've gotten so far for granted. I look at the weight I've lost or the tone and muscle I've gained and think, "Yeah, but it's not perfect" and that makes me sick. So what?! I look great compared to 10 weeks ago and I'm totally blowing off all my hard work and the changes I have made!

Ugh, I hate body and weight issues sometimes. I really do. I didn't like how I looked before, and I don't like how I look now. What the hell is that?

almost... there... can barely... reach it...

2007-12-16T17:17:00.001-06:00

Thus begins week #11 of Body For Life. I can't believe it's almost over. It really, truthfully, has not been that hard as far as eating good foods and not eating bad ones.

It has, however, been a little hard to sustain. It all started when one week Skip and I stopped planning our meals on Sunday nights. We were able to eek through the week, still eating authorized, but it was much harder than before. We are now able to see why it was so easy for us to fall into such terrible eating habits- it's way easier to order a pizza than go to the store, pick something out, go home, and cook for 30 minutes. With school, a second job for Skip, business trips for me, church obligations, and final projects and exams (not to mention a little thing called the Christmas season), it became damn near impossible to keep up the planning and scheduling required for BFL.

This past week I was unable to work out. At all. I feel terrible about it, but I was able to keep up the eating, and I'm still looking good, so I guess I'm fine with it. Putting up such definite boundaries and guidelines makes it very hard to break or bend them, thus I feel like a failure. This has been a constant struggle for me: to not follow something to perfection and "turn over a new leaf" is really, reeeally hard for me.

But I'm looking forward to starting this week over and really kicking ass the next two weeks. Look for my before and after pictures to go up sometime around December 29th!

slacker.

2007-12-07T16:42:00.000-06:00

In my defense, I weighed myself this morning and I now officially weigh as much as I did in college. In college! That is awesome. So please try not to give me too much crap about how I'm not eating as authorized as I should. I mean, I'm not eating cookies or chocolate shakes or anything blatantly unhealthy, I'm just not as strict as I was in, say, week 3.

Here's the thing people, BFL has shown me how I need to eat. I don't really crave unhealthy food anymore, so when I go out to eat, I make sure to order something with a lot of veggies and some kind of protein. Like today. We went out for Thai food at work for lunch. I rarely go out to eat with everyone because of BFL, and today I wanted to go so I let myself. I had chicken with veggies and some white rice. They also gave me this tiny little spring roll. That was fried. And I ate it. And I ate most of my white rice. Neither of which was authorized, but it was all about the portions.

I guess I just see now that it's not about what I don't eat, it's about what I do eat. And I do need to eat. BFL has made me understand that my body needs food. Eating is a good thing! It's what you eat that can make things go all wonky. My body needs food, so I eat happily, except I try to make sure that what I'm eating isn't total crap. I'm not afraid or worried about food anymore. It's a huge relief.

So I eat healthy 98% of the time now, and my "free days" are kind of spread out throughout the week. I'm still sticking to the workout and the eating portion, and I've lost 9 pounds to prove it! I'm just adjusting BFL for my life, so that I can eat healthy and stay in shape forever.

It's pretty awesome.

baby fever.

2007-12-01T08:26:00.001-06:00

For those of you who don't know it, I have baby fever. Big time. I'm baby crazy, if you will. Baby fever has come and gone for me in the past, but this time it's stuck around for a good 4 or 5 months now.

Skip is not ready for babies. In fact, right before I got this baby craziness, we were both in agreeance that we kind of don't even want babies. Like, ever. So it was a big shock to him when I came down with the fever and it won't go away. I think he's starting to come around to the fact that, ok ok yes Kate wants to have babies for real now. But he's not yet to the point where he is also wanting to have babies at this second. Which is bad. For me.

But they are everywhere! Babies are everywhere. Some good friends of mine at work are either on maternity leave or thisclose to going on maternity leave. My cousin is due this month. One of my very best friends just told me she's pregnant. And you guys, I mean it, I've got it. I've got this fever. For example, last night I went out to eat with my brother, his fiancee, and their almost 3 year-old daughter. She was crazy. She was running around, squealing, didn't want to eat, ran into the kitchen, etc. Skip looked at me and I just said, "Yep, still want 'em!" I mean, she's 2! Of course she's crazy! And I blame the establishment: they didn't give her crayons or coloring stuff or anything. In all honesty, I was kind of bored.

How does this translate to BFL? Not to toot my own horn here, guys, but I'm looking pretty good. I'm pretty much back to my post-college figure and it feels great. I actually need to go shopping because none of my pants fit. It's awesome! But having a baby means that I'm going to gain a ton of weight, and have a hard time losing it (or so they tell me, I like to think I like working out too much to let myself keep all the baby weight).

So that's what I keep telling myself. "Don't have a baby now, you're looking so great and you've been working so hard. Don't lose momentum now. You've only got 3 more weeks!"

But it's haaard. I just want babies!

sick.

2007-11-22T08:01:00.000-06:00

I've been sick all week. This past Friday and Monday I spent all day at a school teaching 8th graders about HIV/AIDS, and I think that's where I got this sickness. Schools are germ banks, and I've been invaded.

As a result of my sickness which has involved countless Kleenex, one and a half days missed at work, and laying in bed with Tucker for about 7 hours straight, I have not worked out since Monday afternoon. This is freaking me out and I'm trying to be the calm Kate I know I can be and telling myself that it's OK, you'll pick it up next week, or as soon as you feel better. People get sick, and you have to let your body get better.

But it's making me crazy!! I've read a number of times that if you're sick "from the neck up," meaning a cold or slight congestion or something, you can still get a workout in. If you're sick "from the neck down," like if the sickness is in your chest, go to bed and don't get up until you feel better.

I call bullshit.

I am definitely in the "from the neck up" category, but no way am I going to put on workout clothes and suffer through the chills or hot flashes associated with a bad cold or sinus infection or whatever is going on just so I can get in a few squats and cardio. Please. I need to be in bed with Tucker by my side watching a really good movie. Like "Shaun of the Dead."

But I do feel guilty. I feel like I'm losing my momentum with BFL and that one day shortly before my 12 weeks are over I will quit altogether. Actually, I know that won't happen, but it feels like it's happening despite my best efforts. I have been sticking to the eating portion of BFL, and am not letting the "I'm sick!" excuse to allow myself to drink hot chocolate or a fruity, unauthorized smoothie.

I just really hate being sick.

5K! ...and then some.

2007-11-17T15:02:00.001-06:00

Today I ran my first race! I ran in the Maryville Turkey Trot which supports Collinsville High School's cross country team. Skip, me, and my friends Betsy and Heather all ran it, too.

Skip and Betsy are pro runners. Skip ran all through high school and still runs now and again. Betsy ran two marathons this year. Enough said. While I got in pretty good running shape this past summer, it go too hot for me to keep it up, and I haven't really run since starting Body For Life. Heather is a new runner, but ran a 5K a week or so ago and ran her second one today!

Or so we thought.

Since Heather was planning on run/walking the race, I decided to stick with her since I didn't know what kind of running shape I'd be in. I knew for sure I wouldn't be able to run the whole thing in one go, that I'd have to stop and walk every so often, and that Skip and Betsy would probably finish in 20 minutes. Plus Heather said she came in last place at her first 5K, so I wanted to be there to support her, keep her company, and walk with her if we needed to. Also Heather is just really cool, and I had heard she cusses when she runs and you know I love that.

So here we go running. I was excited to actually be in a race for what I realized was my first time, because I've been a spectator at lots and I love going to running events. So it was cool to be on the other side of the tape. Heather and I are with the pack of racers, then we are finally in last place. No worries, it was a really pretty day and some of the leaves were still turning and we were back on some awesome country road so it was just really beautiful and serene. There was one lady, I called her Purple Pants, who we kept leapfrogging with, and I told Heather, "Oh man, we can totally smoke this lady."

So we're running and we're running, we stop and walk, we run, things are going good. We can still see people up ahead and, well, they were getting way up ahead. No worries. It was beautiful, the sun was out, I didn't have my iPod because I broke it in Palm Springs, so I was content just running and hanging out with Heather.

Then we come to a crossroads and I remember saying, "Geez Heather if you weren't with me, I wouldn't know which way to go!" There were no orange cones guiding us. So we continue on another stretch of country road. No worries. Well, some, maybe. I didn't really see any runners anymore, and the road now was busy and wide open so the wind was blowing in our faces and we were kind of worried about all the cars whizzing past us. Oh well, we've got to be over halfway there. But where is Purple Pants? Man we must really be kicking her butt.

We eventually start to realize that this is crap! Where are the orange cones?! The next road we were on had the wind blowing even harder and the running lane even narrower. We're running and walking, and by this time we're walking a bit more often.

Finally we see the end of the race. We're running into the parking lot and Heather is yelling at runners (who, by the way, have long since finished the race, some are even driving home), "Where is the finish line?! Where is it?!" They look at us like we're crazy and kind of point over to the soccer field. I see Rich, Heather's husband and our pastor, and since I can't see any kind of finish line, I decide to just stop. Heather is determined and starts running over to the finish line. She sees Rich and says, "Where are we supposed to go??" and he's like, "The finish line is over there!" and points in the other direction across the parking lot past the registration tent. "People were finishing coming from that way. What happened?"

Long story short, Heather and I got lost. We got lost and Heather lost it on the race coordinators. She walked right up to them (oh yeah, and it's true, Heather does cuss when she runs!! And even more so when the race was shabbily run, no pun intended) and let them have it. Rich and I stood back and let her get it out of her system. I can't say I blame her. She comes back over to us and we start looking at a map of the race course that was stapled to a pole. Heather and I see that we did not make a left turn at what was clearly a pivotal point, but we are certain there were no cones directing us. I mean, I didn't have anything to do but look around and see the road, I had no iPod or music to distract me. No way we could have missed it. Heather rips the map off the pole and, as she storms back to the registration table says, "I'm showin' them this!!"

Rich and I wait for Heather to come back. Someone must have either stolen the "Turn Here" sign, or the group of runners in front of us picked it up thinking there was no one behind them. Meanwhile Rich had been back at the finish line, watching our predicted finish time go by, imagining the worst. Skip and Betsy had gone back to look for us, not knowing that we'd gotten lost and weren't even on the same path as them. It was a mess. The race coordinators sent someone out to look for anyone else who might have gotten lost and to pick up leftover cones. I don't know if Purple Pants was out there. I hope she is ok.

Heather comes back, cooled off by now, and says instead of 3.1 miles, we probably ran about 5. I think that made it worth it to us. If we had gotten lost and still only ran 3.1, or even worse, ran less than that, we would have continued to be pretty upset. But they gave us a couple extra free shirts and offered us a refund. We didn't take it, we wanted the cross country team to keep the $10, but organize your race better!!

Needless to say, it made a great story, we all went out for breakfast afterwards, and Rich dubbed us "The Kenyans."

difficult.

2007-11-15T13:29:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back from the US Conference on AIDS in Palm Springs, CA. It was... ok. It was disappointingly irrelevant for what we do with our peer education program (by that I just mean that we didn't really learn anything new), but it was still inspiring and I got goosebumps about a million times listening to different speakers or people living with the virus and sharing their stories. I was glad I went, but even more glad to get home.

That being said, I did pretty well for not being able to eat on my regular schedule and not always getting the 6 meals in a day and not being able to plan out what I was going to eat... because I didn't know what I was going to eat. I tried to stick to salads and watched my portions and at least tried to get in a protein, carb, and veggie at most meals. Don't get me wrong, I slipped a couple times (there was this amazing Mexican restaurant right around the corner!!), but when we're looking at the whole picture, I did really, really good. I also stuck to the workout portion of BFL without a hitch, so that was great too.

And to prove it I've got another half inch off my waist!

However, it is a little hard getting back on track. I love having my schedule back, but it's a little easier for me to get tempted by unauthorized foods. For example, last night at my friend Betsy's house I had a few handfuls of those Hot Tamales candies. But. I realized what I was doing and moved the bowl far away from me so I wouldn't eat anymore.

I think my mindset is changing. As Skip and I almost complete our 6th week (halfway baby!), I am looking more towards the big picture of eating healthy for life instead of focusing on these 12 weeks and doing meticulously well for 12 weeks only. So I am letting myself have a handful of chewy candy, but putting them away after I know I've had enough. Or, like yesterday, when I had to stop at Schnuck's and get something from the salad bar because I forgot my lunch, and then I forgot to add a portion of carbohydrates to my lunch, I let myself have a small piece of a bagel to supplement that carbohydrate.

Body For Life has helped me to understand that I need to feed my body. I need food! So when I don't have anything near me that is technically authorized but it's time for me to eat one of my small meals, I will let myself have a small bag of pretzels or a cup of yogurt or something at least on the healthy side. Or at least not sweat it too much. Because the point of all of this is to change my eating habits so that I can stay healthy and fit for the rest of my life. Not just 12 weeks.

real quick...

2007-11-06T09:46:00.000-06:00

I'm trying really hard to focus on myself in this blog, which is hard for me to do. I don't like to bring attention to myself. Usually when people ask me about Body For Life I tell them that it's going really well and my husband looks great and he's doing this and that and blah, blah, blah... Totally just start talking about Skip and his amazing results so far. I don't like to talk about myself or my results. This blog is ironic.

Anyway, I just wanted to give myself a little bit of leeway here and say that Skip is looking hot. HOT. His belly is officially been titled "The Incredible Shrinking Belly" and his arms are getting all ripped and stuff. It's awesome.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm looking smokin' too (hehe), but it's a lot more fun to see and talk about how hot Skip is.

:)

challenge!

2007-11-05T13:26:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow I leave for the US Conference on AIDS in Palm Springs, CA. Bummer, I know. I'll be gone until Saturday at 8:15pm, just in time for my free day! In the meantime, I'll have to watch how it goes this week and how and what I'll be able to eat at the conference. I'm bringing my travel bands for weight training and I think the hotel has a pool and a fitness center so I'll be able to get in some cardio. If anything, I'll just go for a walk outside in the sun.

This week is going to be a tough one. I just need to know that I will do the best I can. If I can't be perfect, I can do my best and that's all I can do.

Challenge!

the inevitable.

2007-11-04T14:37:00.000-06:00

We joined a gym. I originally wanted to make it through my 12 weeks without joining a gym. Unfortunately, with the weather getting colder and the days getting shorter, we had to join one. Surprisingly, I'm doing just fine doing the weight lifting part at home, it's the cardio that I am having trouble squeezing into my day. I wake up early and let Tucker out, and it's so cold and dark out that I literally cannot go back outside. It's too cold! So we joined a gym that's pretty close to our house. I'm excited! Because I can also get a better cardio workout in using the equipment since I'm not a super fan of running and walking doesn't get my heart going as well.

In other news, I might also be a personal trainer at this gym! Apparently I need no special certification (look out) and they are short on trainers so... voila! Being a personal trainer is something I've always wanted to do, and I'm really confident in my abilities as a trainer. Between working out myself and reading pretty much anything I run across that is about nutrition or fitness, I think I would do okay. So we'll see!

Oh, and by the by, it's now 2 inches off my waist and 2 inches off my hips. Woot!!

pretzels.

2007-10-30T15:22:00.000-05:00

Near the top of my list of favorite foods resides pretzels. I like all types of pretzels. I like pretzel rods, honey wheat pretzel twists, Rold Gold pretzels, those really fat, hard, crunchy ones, and, pretzel of pretzels: the soft pretzel.

For my midday snack today I had string cheese and yogurt. Not too bad, but definitely missing the salty and crunchiness that I really need in the afternoon. Fortunately for me, unfortunate for BFL, there was a huge bowl of Rold Gold pretzels out in the office this afternoon.

I've had several handfuls. Ugh, I miss pretzels!

inches!

2007-10-27T14:04:00.000-05:00

Week three has been the hardest week yet. It's hard to see any visible results of all this authorized eating and exercising everyday. BFL is no longer a novelty and, it's official, I hate eating all this meat. I hate it and it's really hard for me to do it. Especially if I'm the one who has to cook it. Ground beef is about the only thing that doesn't gross me out, but raw chicken, ground turkey, steaks... *shudder* I can't do it. I can, but not without force.

But yesterday made it all worthwhile. After a particularly lackluster week of rainy mornings and saving my cardio or workouts for after work (which kind of makes me feel like I'm doing BFL wrong, which I'm not, I can work out any time during the day), I was feeling like a failure a little bit. So, while I was lifting weights at home, I decided to bust out the measuring tape and check my measurements.

I've lost inches! I've lost one inch from around my waist, an inch and a half around my hips, a half inch from each bicep and each calf! Small, minuscule inches, but still!! It definitely gave me a much-needed push and encouragement, as well as totally made my day.

As we enter week four, we should start to see more noticeable results. I think around week 5 or 6 is when they say you start to see changes the fastest, so that is exciting. And to make it even better, Skip and I started our free day yesterday with a frozen custard face off, so guess what I got to have this morning? You guessed it:

coffee.

2007-10-25T19:28:00.000-05:00

I miss coffee. Out of everything in the whole world I can't eat while on Body For Life, I miss coffee the most. I miss stopping at Bucky's gas station, filling up my tank, and then getting a cup of coffee with vanilla creamer and Splenda. I miss the slow, rainy days at work where I leave mid-morning to go to Bread Co. and get some kind of latte. When I read books and the story leads the characters to a coffee shop for bagels and, you guessed it, coffee, I get a little sad. I miss the term, "Let's go get coffee," because even when I say it to someone, I know that really means I will have to get tea. And I used to like tea. But now I'm a coffee girl. Through and through.

Coffee is the one trendy thing I can really follow through on. I don't wear especially cool clothes. My hair makes me look like someone's mom. I don't own skinny jeans or Chuck Taylors. Coffee was the one thing I could do that made me feel like someone who has their life together. Someone who was cool. Someone who could get away with wearing that newsboy hat.

Being on BFL, I realize that I didn't eat too bad before I started the program. True, it wasn't a very well-balanced diet, but I don't think I was doing too bad. I feel confident that when my 12 weeks are over, I'll be able to pretty well stick to eating this way for a good long while (it's called body for life for a reason).

But I also know that I damn well will have my coffee with creamer every morning if I please. And if it means losing an ounce of muscle or gaining a couple pounds, so be it.

guilt and hardships.

2007-10-23T10:52:00.000-05:00

Today, my cardio day, I woke up ready to go. I even went to bed early last night. I went to let Tucker outside before I changed into my walking/running clothes, only to find it rainy and about 40 degrees outside. Oh, and it was still dark outside, as usual. I decided not to go for my cardio. I don't like going out in the dark anyway, and the rain and cold were equally deterrent. So I felt very guilty. I'm trying to remind myself that it's ok to not be 100% perfect, but I also don't want to give myself so much slack that I continue to not workout on certain days. I need to get a yoga mat, that way I can do a Pilates DVD in our living room (it has hardwood floors, I need a mat) in case this happens again.

Also this is just getting hard. With our social life, it's really hard and sad for me to not be able to eat and have fun with my friends whenever I want. For example, we went to a huge bonfire this past Friday night and they had hot dogs, s'mores, and hot chocolate. I had a hot dog only because my strong aversion to meat kept me from eating much more than string cheese, yogurt, and peanut butter crackers all day and my stomach was hurting I was so hungry. I felt really guilty about that hot dog, too.

So, I guess the novelty of BFL has officially worn off, and I'm starting to feel like I'm about to quit or let myself down again like I did today or something crazy like that. I just really hate having to plan around what social event is going on that weekend with when I can eat something unauthorized. Like a freaking s'more.

Sigh, I guess I'm just having a bad day.

sore.

2007-10-18T11:06:00.000-05:00

Now this is what I'm talkin' 'bout! My arms are really sore! I might sound weird, but I love this feeling. I can feel what seems like almost every muscle in my arms right now and I love it. This feeling is what inspired my blog URL to be "i hurt all over", because right now I kind of do! I don't know, to me it just feels really refreshing to feel sore. I'm not sore like I can't lift my arms or move, I'm just sore in the sense that I feel like I worked out hard yesterday and I love it.

me want cookies.

2007-10-16T15:20:00.001-05:00

I'm blogging right now to distract myself from the Boss' Day gathering that is going on just cubicles away. Today is National Boss Day and everyone was instructed to bring some kind of wonderful goodie to eat to celebrate our Bosses. Well, I ate my Peanut Butter Crisp Carb Control EAS bar for a snack (as per BFL) about 30 minutes ago so that when this little party got going I wouldn't be tempted by the junk food. I was wrong. All I want to do is dig into that huge mound of cookies and eat one! There's also delicious cheese over there as well! I haven't let myself look at all the food because I don't want to make not eating it harder than it already is, but in plain view there sits a bowl full of Cheez-Its and Pringles. Ugh, I love Cheez-Its and Pringles!!

It's week 2, and I'm doing well, and slowly seeing some results, but damn if office parties don't just make me want to eat the delicious treats that someone brought in. I mean, if there was a huge stack of soft-pretzels over there I might have to cave.

free day!

2007-10-14T07:34:00.000-05:00

Today, ladies and gentleman, is the best part of Body-for-Life: the free day. For 6 days a week, I exercised, ate right, ate meat (blech), and exercised some more. But Sundays... ah Sundays. I get to not work out, and I get to eat whatever I want, as much as I want. Today, my friend, is my free day.

Well, actually it started last night. Since Skip and I like to go out with friends a lot, we decided to start our free day with dinner on Saturday night (and we ate authorized all day until then) and going up through midday snack on Sunday. Then, Sunday night's dinner has to be authorized as well and the week goes on according to BFL until the next free day.

Here is the beauty of the free day: it's realistic. Thinking to myself, "I have to wait 12 weeks before I can eat the things I love," makes me want to die and give up. But thinking, "I just have to make it until Saturday night and then I can have an iced coffee, or some ice cream, etc." Waiting until the end of the week is way easier than waiting until the end of 3 months.

Last night Skip and I went to the Spaghetti Factory. It was incredible. It was amazing how much more we appreciated that dinner and savored every bite of it than if we'd, say, had pizza the night before and had eaten like crap the rest of the week up until that amazing Spaghetti Factory dinner. This morning before church we are going to McDonald's where I will have an iced coffee! For lunch I plan to eat something wonderful like maybe macaroni and cheese or Qdoba. This also makes grocery shopping a lot easier because after I've had a fill of some decent junk food, it won't be so hard to walk right past those aisles in the grocery store while I shop for next week's authorized menu.

I love me some free day.

yuck.

2007-10-11T12:52:00.000-05:00

Ugh, the lunch I just had was terrible. I like to buy Lean Cuisines for lunch, however, until I started BFL, I liked to eat their pizzas, lasagnas, or sesame chicken (mm... so good). BFL allows for frozen meals like that on their food plan, but it warns to watch the fat and sodium content. Well in those meals, the fat and sodium isn't bad, but I guess it would be considered a little high for BFL purposes. So I've been trying to buy the ones with chicken and vegetables. Today I had almond chicken with rice and veggies, only I didn't poke the top of it enough to let the steam vent out, and it was very soggy and very disgusting. So I only had a few bites before I threw it away.

I'm just not very hungry lately. I really don't want to eat meat, or raw veggies. I need some food with more flavor and variety. Skip got Eating for Life last night from the library so I'm really excited to make food that is good and hot and delicious, instead of boring stuff. I realized that I don't know how to cook healthy foods, let alone authorized, so I guess I just don't know what I'm allowed to cook with. I'm excited to use this book and make some good food to eat throughout the week. Because right now I'm just kinda grossed out.

cravings: the problem.

2007-10-10T17:07:00.000-05:00

I think I've found my biggest problem: my cravings. Not that I am constantly craving McDonald's or chocolate brownies or .. ok, now I totally am craving them. My point is, the eating plan of BFL includes eating, at every meal, one serving of protein, one serving of a carbohydrate, and one serving of vegetables at two of the six meals you are supposed to be eating throughout the day. My problem is that I hate meat. I don't like meat very much, and I certainly never crave it. Even chicken. I'm never like, "Oh man a chicken sandwich would be so great right now!" Mostly I'm like, "I could really eat some peanut butter crackers." Peanut butter crackers aren't too bad for you, but they're not considered really "authorized."

Sigh. So Skip is checking out a book for me called Eating For Life written by the BFL guy. I'm excited about it so I can make some tastier, authorized foods. Because right now plain chicken breast just does not cut it. I want peanut butter!! I want a recipe! I want deliciousness!

energy

2007-10-09T21:43:00.000-05:00

Ok well today was day 2, and it's kind of incredible how awesome I feel. Of course I'm not seeing results yet, I don't think I'll really start to see results until week 5 or 6 (that's what I've heard), but I feel great. Skip mentioned today that even though getting up at 6am to go for a run (in the dark) sucked really bad, but during the day he felt like he'd actually gained an hour of sleep. And that's when I realized that I felt energized too! I don't feel so heavy or yucky or tired, I feel pretty okay, and so far that is awesome.

I also realized today that I'm really excited about seeing what kind of results I get. However, this also means that I'm scared I won't get the results I'm anticipating. It helps me through to realize that I don't actually have a lot of weight that I want to lose (I want to get more toned), but still, I'm scared I will just look the same after 12 weeks of hard work.

But I'm trying not to focus on that. I'm trying to keep myself in check and focusing on just the week ahead, and not on the full 3 months I'll be doing this. One week at a time...

Today we taught a class at work, and we always order food in for trainings. We get these boxed lunches that have a sandwich of some kind, pasta or potato salad, and some kind of wonderful brownie in it. We also had chips and stuff out for an afternoon snack. I ate none of the chips, had half of my veggie wrap for lunch, the other half for my next meal 2.5 hours later, and didn't eat the pasta salad or chocolate brownie with caramel and nuts. I'm strong, y'all. I suppose I could have brought in my own snacks or lunch and ate a tad more authorized (although I could have chosen the chicken salad on a croissant or the BLT wrap), and I plan to when my meal replacement Myoplex bars get here, but I guess I was just a little embarrassed to do that. I guess I have to get over that.

OFFICIAL Day 1!!

2007-10-08T15:47:00.000-05:00

Well, it's finally here! Today is my official start for the Body For Life 12 week challenge! Last night Skip and I sat down and planned our meals for the week, made a grocery list, and went shopping! Eating healthy is going to cost a little bit more than we're used to spending on groceries, but we will be spending significantly less going out to eat and, duh, we'll be eating better and living a healthier lifestyle.

Mainly I'm really excited. I'm ready to make this change in my life and get refocused on what is important to me, and that's exercising and being healthy. I'm also happy that Skip will be doing the Challenge with me. Not only will he be support, but this will be such a great way for us to spend time together and really doing something together as a team.

Ok so basically I need a lot of support from anyone reading this (you can leave comments!) and wish me luck! We took our "before" pictures yesterday, but I don't know if I want to post mine. I feel too shy! I mean, it is me standing there, full body shot, looking at the camera while I'm standing in my underwear and I feel like I look chubby. Maybe I will post them along with our 6 week progress pictures? I don't know!

recap

2007-10-06T15:03:00.000-05:00

Ok, so this has been a very long week. I started off great, but I'll be very honest, the fact that this wasn't my official start week really got to me and by today, I'm not being as good. Also, I'm trying to pay closer attention to how I feel when I eat, and I've realized that when I'm sad or upset, that's when I really just want to treat myself. Today I was bummed because I had to spend the day by myself so I ate a soft pretzel (probably #1 on my all-time favorite foods list) along with a regular Coke (this is my #1 all-time favorite combo). I don't even like drinking regular pop, except if it's with a soft pretzel. And I only drank about half, because by then I'd finished my pretzel and I dumped the rest out.

Anyway, so by today I am feeling kind of blah, kind of how I felt before I was eating really good up through Thursday evening. So here is what I know so far:

1) eating out is going to be a big challenge for me.

2) emotional eating is going to be a big challenge for me.

3) I have to plan my meals. I didn't plan anything today and I'm wondering what the heck I'm supposed to eat and/or I know what I should eat and I don't want to.

4) this is going to be really hard.

On Wednesday and Thursday, my body felt really weird because, I think, it was sort of detoxing. I wasn't eating anything really fatty or salty, and my body knew it and was pissed. And now that I've filled up on some junk, I feel back to normal. Very tricky.

5) my body is going to try and trick me.

I ordered my nutrition bars and they should be here by the end of the week. I am going to use these as snacks or meal replacements. I've also printed out pictures of these two ladies I am using as inspiration and will post them in my workout room. The first lady, Jen Weatherman, has a body type similar to mine so she is the one I am trying to copy as much as I can.

The other lady, Sarah Brown, I just think is really hot and I'd love to look like her. Unfortunately, I never will because we have different body shapes. But isn't she pretty!

You can click on these ladies' links and see what supplements they used and what their meal plans looked like while they were on BFL. It really helps! I will look at these two everyday to keep myself motivated. They were able to get those rock-hard bodies in only 12 weeks! That is amazing.

McDonald's

2007-10-04T21:24:00.000-05:00

I gotta tell you guys something. I love McDonald's. I just do. I really do. And let me tell you something, I really love sausage mcmuffins. And today I had about 5 sausage mcmuffins sitting on a platter, just waiting for me. I didn't have even a bite of one! I was really proud of myself.

And then I went to dinner and my plan of eating completely authorized tonight was totally shot. Let's not discuss it. But now I know that one of my bigger challenges during the next 12 weeks will be eating out with friends.

I have, however, worked out every night that I've been out of town. I even went to the YMCA with my co-workers tonight and did my cardio! That was great.

On another note, my butt hurts really bad from doing squats and lunges yesterday. It feels great, though. I miss this feeling.

These 12 weeks are going to be so hard, but even during this trial run, I'm really happy to be fitting this into my schedule again.

out of town

2007-10-03T16:15:00.001-05:00

Today I've done pretty well. I didn't eat dinner last night since I was driving so late in bad weather and I just wanted to get to the hotel. Then I was so tired I didn't feel like leaving to go to McDonald's or something. I decided to wait for the free breakfast in the morning. This morning I ate scrambled eggs and an English muffin. Lunch was from Panera/St. Louis Bread Co. so I tried to watch my portions, put a lot of salad on my plate, and didn't eat chips or any of the dozens of cookies they sent over. I was proud! Now I'm I going to use my travel bands to get in a lower body workout and tomorrow I can use the hotel's treadmill for my cardio.

I am finding myself trying to use the fact that this week is a trial week or that I'm out of town as an excuse to eat whatever I want. I think I'm doing pretty good though and acknowledging that I'm making excuses. At the same time, I'm also trying to cut myself a little slack. I know that I might not always have access to the healthiest of foods, and in that case it's a matter of watching my portions and doing the best I can. While I'm going to follow BFL as closely as I can, I also realize that I can't be perfect, all I can do is try my best. That is really hard for me.

In other news, I very strongly dislike Springfield, MO. I just don't like it. I do however like the fact that I am watching "Judge Judy" right now for the first time in probably a year. I really love this show.

trial day 2

2007-10-02T11:57:00.000-05:00

Ugh, well today is not going well at all! I got a good night's sleep last night because I didn't have to go into work until later today since I will be driving for 3 hours this evening for my business trip. I woke up this morning with a little bit of a headache so I took some Excedrin. After I went for my walk with my dog, Tucker, I felt really shaky and sick. I thought maybe it was because I had forgotten to drink some water before I went. Anyway, as the morning went on, even after I'd had breakfast and drank a bunch of water, I just kept feeling sicker and sicker. I felt shaky, like my blood sugar was low. So I packed some food for the day, had an apple, and then ate a Snickers which is cleary not authorized but I just wanted to get my sugar up. Anyway, about 1.5 hours later I still feel sick. I think maybe because I had to eat my dinner pretty early yesterday at 5 pm since I had class at 5:30. Then, the only thing I could eat before I went to bed was a 60 calorie pudding cup at 8:30, after I'd come home from class. So that's something I need to work out. Maybe I need to eat something during my class, like on our break.

Maybe I'm a little nervous about my business trip, or maybe I didn't eat enough yesterday, or maybe I didn't space my meals very efficiently. I did however pack my travel bands so I can get some resistance training in at the hotel, and I plan to try and stick as closely to BFL's eating plan as I can while I'm away.

Unfortunately, I really feel like crap.

trial day 1

2007-10-01T12:04:00.000-05:00

Today is trial day number one! It's only noon but I can already see some adjustments I'm going to have to make.

1) I might need to start waking up a bit earlier than 6am. Today I was finished and ready for work with no problems, but I was also ready and excited to get started and I know I won't always be quite so eager to get up and work out.

2) Another concern I have is my cardio days. I want to do this without joining a gym, but when I wake up at 6am it's still dark out and I don't especially want to go wandering around my neighborhood with headphones on in the dark. And since it will only be getting darker outside, this may be a problem. I might just have to wait until 6:30am to do my 20 minutes of cardio or do it in the evenings.

Otherwise I feel pretty good about today. It's great knowing that I already have my meals and snacks planned and prepared. I think that will really be key in my success but also it's going to be really hard keeping up with all the planning and grocery shopping. But that's what this week is for: to plan and prepare so that when I officially start on October 8th I'll be ready! Also, my Uncle Guy is doing BFL too and he starts today! This is probably his millionth cycle of BFL so I am definitely going to look to him for encouragement and support. I hope he's ready! Plus, in 3 months we can totally compare our awesome bodies. Hooray!

preparation pt. II

2007-09-30T15:10:00.000-05:00

Today I went to Target and bought a few sets of weights, an exercise ball, and some exercise bands (to use when I go out of town for work). I also bought a journal to use during this adventure and a small decorative pumpkin. After I'm done typing this blog, I'm going to plan out my meals for the next two days and go grocery shopping. While I plan to give this week my best shot, I'm not going to go "all the way" with BFL this week. I'll be out of town for work for three days and I don't know what kind of access to healthy/authorized foods I'll have. So next week will be my official start when I begin using my nutritional supplements, but this week is sort of a dry run.

Ok here I go! I'm a little nervous!

preparation

2007-09-29T16:11:00.000-05:00

Hi! Well, here I go. For those of you who are confused, I can explain. There is a fitness/exercise/diet program called Body For Life (BFL from here on out). Except it's not like froo froo crazy gimmick thing. It's kind of hard core. Check out the link and you'll get an even better idea of what I'm doing. Anyway, anyone can do BFL, but some people enter The Challenge. The Challenge has its own set of rules and regulations, but it doesn't cost anything. The grand prize involves winning $50,000.

I'm doing this for other reasons, too. I really love working out and trying to be healthy. Unfortunately, since graduating college, life kind of gets in the way and I've let that healthy stuff sort of slide right out of my life. Since I got married October 2006, it's been close to nonexistent. And that makes me sad. I shouldn't have to sacrifice something I love so much! I do, however, need to find a good way to fit it into my life. Which is really hard. Between work, my marriage, going back to school and helping to plant a church, I have little no free time. And if I do have free time, I spend it doing other things. It's hard for me to spend time and energy on myself.

Anyway, this blog is here to help me stay motivated, and to maybe even get some support from anyone reading it. I'm going to try and write a few times a week, and I'll even post my before, during, and after photos of my progress.

Right now, I'm preparing. I'm buying my weights, getting a room all set up so I can work out without tripping over stuff, and planning my meals, workout schedules, and going grocery shopping. I plan for my official start date to be October 8, 2007, which means my 12 weeks will end sometime in December, I think. Anyway, I'll have all of that info later, right now just wish me luck as I get started!