I have to say...

Something is different today. I don't exactly know what it is. Maybe because I have this burst of energy and I'm getting stuff done. Maybe it's just because it's such a nice day outside. Maybe it's because I have two days of work left. Maybe because I got to see Story this past week in an ultrasound. Maybe because I know I get to meet her for real very soon. 

Either way, I'm enjoying today. It's the first time in a while I haven't felt like a cranky jerk, and that is always nice. I've been really cranky lately, and not helping matters is the fact that I can barely move around, and I feel like I've been pregnant for freaking ever. I've been preparing for a baby for so long that I just want to meet her already and take care of her and hang out with her. I want to see Skip hold her. I want people to stop talking about her and get to meet her. She already has a huge fan club, and I want her to be able to enjoy that.

I want to get my life back in order. So many things are being put on hold until after the baby gets here. There are so many things I want to do again, like work out or drink a beer or lie on my back or not get up a million times to pee. I'm just ready to have this baby and get on with life. Will I miss being pregnant? I really don't know. I definitely am not one of those ladies who says how much she loves and enjoys being pregnant, but I do kind of like just having Story with me all the time, and feeling her move, although nowadays she's so big that's it's more often than not pretty uncomfortable when she decides to stretch out.

Anyway, today is just a good day.

Almost.

I had an ultrasound the other day to check on the girl's size. She is, in my opinion, huge. The ultrasound estimates somewhere around 7 lbs 14 oz. With still 2 weeks to go! But I also got to see her sucking her thumb and resting her other little fist on the edge of her nose. What's weird though is that I still don't know what she looks like. I feel like I should know what she looks like.

I've never seen one that big.

I'm in the home stretch, and I have to say, I'm feeling a bit like a circus freak. People are definitely looking at me. I just left Bread Co. (Panera for all you out of towners), and I feel like the stares or glances are less "Aw, cute pregnant lady!" and more "Whoa, she might have the baby here." I had to give a presentation for work to a small group of people at the local Health Department, and one guy told me pregnant woman make him nervous. He was being cute and concerned, because it was hot out and I was fanning myself, but I was still shocked to realize that I am, officially, huge and pregnant. And very much could blow at any point. And people are noticing.

And while friends tell me it's all baby, my ass, thighs and arms tell a different story.

Meanwhile, I'm waiting out my last few days here at work, trying to be patient and praying that my girl's foot doesn't stab through my skin. She's kicking the crap out of me. Whoever said they don't move as much at this stage because they've got such little room is a damn liar.

Scared.

Since I've been pregnant, the thing that has scared me most is autism. I have no idea why. I don't really know anyone who is autistic. I'm not scared of Down's syndrome, deformities, abnormalities, cleft palate, anything like that. I'm scared of autism, and I just do not know why. I've been seeing a lot of Jenny McCarthy on TV and her stance, not against vaccinations, but the materials found in them, like high levels of mercury and aluminum. I've been reading up, and a lot of what I'm reading is scaring the crap out of me. For example, in 1983, kids got 10 vaccines in their first year. Today, kids get 36. I read yesterday that giving 7 shots to a 13 pound baby (roughly two months old) is like giving 70 doses to a 130 pound adult. Yikes.

And just as there's plenty of information out there about why not to vaccinate, or to at least spread the vaccines out over a longer period of time and starting them at two years of age instead of day one, there's just as much information about how healthy vaccines are, and how they are not related to autism in the slightest. But why are there so many more kids these days being diagnosed with the disorder?

I'm sick of wondering and worrying. I just want my girl to be safe and healthy. I don't want her to get a shot and then be sick or have something go wrong. Why do we have so many vaccines? I mean, was chicken pox really that bad? Is it totally necessary to vaccinate against? I just can't imagine all of that medicine being good. I'm really not trying to be controversial, I'm saying this with a weary and scared mind-frame. I don't know what to do.

Baby talk.

Yesterday, I snapped. It wasn't the first day I felt irritated (see pretty much any previous post), but it was definitely the first day I let people know I was irritated. I have a co-worker who always wants to touch my belly and talk to the baby, and I usually let her because... I don't know why, because I kind of hate it. Yesterday she took one look at me and knew not to mess with me. Another guy was gently teasing me about having twins, I let him know it wasn't funny and I'm quite sure the look on my face let him know I would gladly rip his testicles off.

And if one more person asks me when my due date is, I will scream. It's one thing if it's someone at a store, a cashier for example, making small talk, but it's another thing when a secretary at work who I see every three days asks me every time I see her when my due date is. Lady, if you're not going to even try to remember, just shut up, tell me I look great, and move on. Geez.

What makes things even worse is that pretty much the only small talk conversation at work, polite work chit-chat if you will, revolves around my pregnancy. Here is the list of questions/comments, in order, of a typical conversation had about 4-5 times a day:

1) Wow you're really coming along! / Not too much longer now! / Aw look at you!
2) How much longer do you have?
(I tell them, they try doing the math)
3) So that would be... October?
(Yep, I tell them my due date. Again.)
4) Oh! So and so has a birthday October--.
(If I had kept track, I would probably have a list 100 names long of other people who have birthdays in October. People I don't even know, mind you.)
5) Do you know if you're having a boy or girl?
(I tell them. Again.)
6) Do you have names picked out?

God willing, I can be a stay at home mom for my kids. This will be great since I won't have to worry about child care and will get to raise my kids. This will be even better because the next time I get pregnant, I can stay in hiding.